We All Go Through It...

8/27/2012
I wrote this yesterday and meant to post it, but I got side tracked with falling asleep for a mid afternoon nap and such things of that nature... So here is what was supposed to be said. Yesterday.
 
As they say... today sucks, tomorrow will be better.

Have you ever looked at a picture of yourself that was recently taken and just thought, "OHFUCKINGHELL. I look awful."
Yup.
Just happened.

I don't think I've taken a good picture in a while. Not one where I was actually happy with what I saw anyways. But this picture. Oh sweet lord.

I don't want to be tagged anymore...

Don't get me mixed up with someone who constantly looks glamorous and beautiful and then shits all over themselves, fishing for compliments to get an ego boost. That is not me. When I say I look like shit, it's not an argument I want anyone to try me on. It's just my opinion of myself. Get over it. You do it too unless you're wracked with copious amounts of self esteem. Good for you. I'm envious.

That also means you're a douche... Just kidding... Maybe

My downward spiral for the day started with a picture, it will end with some Ben and Jerry's. Nay. Ideally it would end with Ben and Jerry's but this whole diet and exercise thing makes that little voice in my head say "Noooooooo. Don't do it!" Sometimes the voice wins... sometimes I punch myself in the face and eat it anyways. I'm not a dedicated person. At all. Obviously I lack something in commitment... har har har. I'm pretty sure this blog is the only thing I've actually steadily kept up with for a semi-long period of time.

You're welcome.

Hah! Just kidding. Thank you.

That particular picture led me to other pictures from 2009-2010 when I was content with my weight and body. But that girl got engaged and lazy and comfortable and started eating a lot of food. The comfortable life of having someone who will accept you no matter how large and in charge you get... it's great. And then it's not because you're not healthy or happy and then you get insecure. It ended up being a win, lose situation.

On top of the weight thing... fuck that weight thing it's super annoying, I also take issue with the living at my parent's home thing. I know that a lot of 21 year olds still live at home and are used to the rules that come with still living with their parents. I really don't have rules at my house. My parent's have been ever so awesome about not giving me a curfew and not hounding me about the messes I leave... everywhere. Moving back in was actually pretty smooth and I greatly appreciate them for that. Still I know it's not how they were living previously. My mom loves an immaculate house. I am immensely messy. I could say I am an artist and just needed to drop my pants by the shower because it makes the room feel more zen but that would be a fucking lie. I just like to drop my pants and say "I'll get those later, I'm so late right now. I can't take 2 seconds to pick them up and throw them in my room. Cannot! I'm LATE!"

It is extremely depressing to know that I am that lazy. Even more so to know I will not be changing that fact anytime soon. I just like to be messy and then when I am super stressed or pissed off beyond belief, I go on these rampage cleaning extravaganzas where I ruin (and by ruin I mean clean) everything in my path. NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!!!! Joan Crawford, you were on to something....

I think I'm going through that thing that most women go through where they're depressed as balls and then suddenly they get a new outlook on life that says "I'mnotgonnabesadanymore!"

Oh Bubbles... so naive

 
I'm waiting for that moment...

It's difficult to be a girl. Many times out of my day I will murmur... "I wish I was a man." or "I should have been a dude." That's sort of really true though. Although, if I were a dude I'd be soooo gay. You could not tear me away from stalking Ryan Gosling and David Beckham. Nothing would change really, I just wouldn't have a period. AND THAT WOULD BE FUCKING AMAZING.

This is what I day dream about... this is sad. I should daydream about getting an awesome job and going back to school, doing what I love like culinary or art or some bullshit like that.

Nope.

I wanna be a man and stalk the shit out of some sexy movie stars. Hm. I think I should talk to my therapist about this.

Anyways... I got sidetracked obviously, this day has not been my day. My brain has been abuzz with things I cannot control at the moment and if you know me... I like to be in control. If you don't know me, I REALLY LIKE TO BE IN CONTROL. This is no joke, I don't like other people driving or things not going my way... and if there is a domahickey that needs to be fixed I want to fix it. I don't want you to fix it. I want to. Why? Because I like to fix things by myself. I need not ask for help even when help is greatly needed because I am a stubborn control freak. Shut up about though, ok? It's a secret.

Today sucks ass, tomorrow will be better.

UPDATE: Today is better. Yesterday is over... THANK YOU BABY JESUS.