Holy Shit, Life

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

I am officially 3 weeks postpartum with my second kiddo and let me tell you one thing - Motherhood is the most wonderful, difficult piece of pumpkin pie doused with laxatives that somehow constipate you that I've ever been through (so far).

Ok, to be honest it's not JUST motherhood it's that plus wifeness mixed with a little bit of "who the fuck am I now?" because after 2 kids at 26, I just don't know. I have no clue.

I know how to be a mom, I know how to be a wife, I have no idea how those two ideas are supposed to merge together to be some actual functioning person who has a good time at all.

Oh, and the girl who wrote all of the blogs prior to maybe the last 2, that bitch is gone. I mean GEE OH ENN EEE GONE. Bye girl. I don't know where she went, or who's soul she decided to fly into after leaving mine but I haven't seen that girl in at least 4 years. It's actually kind of sad.

But I'm too damn busy to be sad nowadays. Sadness is not a computable emotion. Let me tell you what emotions I'm allowed as a mom:

Done. Done is an emotion. Tired. All the fucking time. Pissed 97.3% of my life I'm just pissed now. Hungry. It's like the one thing that remained the same. Sarcastic. It's the emotion that feeds my day. Sarcastic. And if you're sitting here thinking, what a dumb bitch, those are not emotions - le fuck le you. These are the emotions I can put into words other than *BANSHEE SCREEECH* *HEADSMASH INTO A WALL* *OVERWHELMING LOVE FEELS FOR CHILDREN*.

It all started when I got knocked up at 21. OH HAPPY DAY. I was not expecting to get pregnant 6 months into dating my now husband but wouldn't you know, that's what happens when you don't use a rubber one time and you're the epitome of what we call FERTILE MYRTLE. We were ecstatic. I wanted kids at a young age, and my now husband thought he was shooting blanks. We had already discussed getting married and how much we smooshy gooshy loved each other. Little did I know and thank baby jesus he had already asked my parents for their blessing by the time I dropped the bomb that I was expecting his spawn.

We got married on Valentines Day because it was cheap and lets face it, men aren't the greatest at remembering anniversaries and that date put me at 2 months pregnant. My mother in law likes to point out my baby belly in my wedding pictures. "Look you can see Ellie."

Marriage Level  - Complete.
Spawn 1 Level - Complete.

Right after I had our daughter we both got new jobs. He's a programmer, I play chess all day. That's a metaphor but my job is like a chess game.

Steady Job Level - Complete.

Next was the House Level. We got the house in a gated community, I felt so grown up and fancy. LITTLE DID I FUCKING KNOW the house was a giant facade of togetherness. It seemed perfect - a decent sized home that would need just minor fixes here and there.... Just kidding, we've already drained at least 20,000 into this motherfucker from all of the repairs and fixes such as the amount of flooding that the homeowner lied about that happened over the course of 20 years. They never fixed any of it and never reported it on the home disclosures so that was our burden. It flooded an inch in the entire house on the one year anniversary of owning it. but whatever... there is a special place in hell for the previous homeowners.

House Level - Complete.

My car had a tendency to shut off completely while I was turning onto busy intersections and in general was a giant piece of crap so after it died while I was turning onto a busy street with my baby daughter and we almost died, I got a new (recently used) one.

New Car Level - Complete.

If you haven't guessed by now, literally after I had my 1st child life was like, HEY LET ME FUCK YOU UP SIDEWAYS. It was super hard. Let me just add that I had a striking case of rage inducing postpartum depression so on top of just wanting to end my life and hanging from the bathroom shower, I was also getting buttfucked by the universe. But I was a mom so I couldn't feel feelings. <--- This is how I felt, not how I feel. I can see now that yes, life was difficult and I was going through some shit but it could have been worse and we got past that time.

2 years later things were looking up. My husband and I had both gotten promotions, our parents were key in helping us fix our home and repairing it after living in a gutted house for 2 years. My husband and I were finding our love again because after a child it's just so hard to devote much time to loving anything but your child. Again, that's how I feel, and my feelings aren't for everyone.

Then... I started to feel... sick. Then... I realized I missed my period and I neverrrrrrrr miss my period unless.... Shit.

SPAWN 2 LEVEL UP - Complete.

The day I found out I was pregnant with my son, I cried. Not a happy cry, like an.. OHHHH FUCKKKKKKKK NO cry. I'm not going to lie, I wasn't ecstatic. I was freaked the hell out. I had just gotten my body back, I was smoking a pack of cigarettes a day to deal with all of the stress of work and my existing child, I was downing redbulls and doubleshots of espresso to keep up with my job and my kid. I was NOT ready to give all of that up and be an average functioning human.

But I did. Goodbye sweet nicotene, goodbye cute body, peace out redbulls of endless energy and farewell alcohol in the middle of the day, FAREFUCKINGWELL to freedom and feeling like myself again.

My husband was super happy, I became happier about the pregnancy once I just pushed forth with acceptance and skipped the grief, denial, anger, and bargaining. We found out it was a boy and I was over the moon excited because my daughter ... she didn't hate me but she definitely had a softer spot for my husband than she did for me. Daddy's girl. So I was ready for a Momma's boy.

9 months later and my little love Joseph was born. That was 3 weeks ago and I am back to feeling, not as sad or raging with hatred for myself postpartum as I was with my daughter, but I'm not feeling right. So here I am, looking for an outlet. Looking for a place to be myself and reallllllly say, I'm not ok, but that's ok because the internet accepts all freaks.

I don't know who I am, I don't know how to find that funny, silly person I was because that girl doesn't exist anymore. She's on to greener pastures and I'm not sure how to find her. I feel like I might get her back in a few years, but even then, I still don't know who I am right now. So I might try to blog until I find her or start some other hobby to try and lead me back to her. I know this blog is not funny but for me it's a starting point. I'm writing again. Not well, not humorous and I don't have time to find funny ass gifs to go with the post because Joseph needs a bottle. No proof reads tonight, I'm just balls to the wall posting. Don't judge me too harshly and if you related to this at all, I hope you find comfort in knowing you're not alone in feeling like you're not yourself.

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38 Weeks - The Baby Sites VS Me

- I never published this post - I went into labor shortly after I wrote it with my daughter. I re-read it and couldn't stop laughing. It's been 3 years since I posted anything good on this website, and thought it was about time to begin again.

This is from Early September 2014 --

It's been a while since I've posted and that's mainly because I don't feel like writing out my long thoughts on this subject or that and feel I'm quite volatile as of late so my opinions may come off as rather "Fuckity fuck go fuck yourrrseellffff" more than humorous... which is more what I've wanted this blog to always be.

So, because I'm 38 weeks pregnant, I had an idea. I was reading up on all of these magical pregnancy websites and it got me thinking how very fucking strange and joyful they made this shit out to be. So I'm doing a, their expression vs my reaction type of blog today.

Here we go. Week 38 - In a motherfucking nutshell.

THEM: Congratulations! You’ve reached the final weeks in your pregnancy (if you haven’t delivered already)! Your baby has probably reached his birth weight by now. Most babies weigh somewhere between six to eight pounds when they are born. Boys are usually longer and heavier than girls. All of his internal organs are ready to support him in the outside world. She has also developed healthy amounts of baby fat over the past week, and her immune system is developing, and will continue to develop after she is born. Her fingernails and toenails have reached the end of her fingers and toes, and might even need a trim after she is born!

Not much has changed from last week, all his internal organs are ready to support him in the outside world, he’s developed healthy amounts of baby fat over the past week and his immune system is developing and will continue to develop after he is born. - www.everydayfamily.com

Me: Fucking A, I've reached the final weeks in my pregnancy. I hope this is THE final week in my pregnancy. My baby is not yet delivered and I want to fucking strangle someone. Preferably someone who has a penis and someone who looks like my husband. Fuck it, I'll just strangle my husband. I'm not having a boy thank baby Jesus Christ because if my stomach got any bigger or she was any longer or heavier, at this point I would just cry. I'm so glad she's developed healthy amounts of fat, I'm glad she's healthy and her immune system is developing. "All babies want to get borned!!! Your baby has fingernails you know?!" - Su Chin - Juno. I will never not think of that quote when any baby website decides to touch on the fact that my little unicorn of love has fingernails. 

Not much has changed from last week other than my lack of sanity. It's decreasing at a rampant rate due to the complete lack of sleep that inhibits my life. My bladder is full, so I'm awake, my stomach is a rock hard ball because of these motherfucking Braxton Hicks Contractions, so I'm awake, and my spouse is SNORING LIKE A FUCKING GIANT even though he is a man of 130 lbs.... So I'm awake. Fuck that guy. I love him, but so much of me has thought about cutting his testicles off with a dull pair of scissors. 

THEM: How are you feeling? Have you noticed any electrical tingles in your legs and inside of your vagina? These tingles are caused by your baby hitting nerves as she settles down into your pelvic area. Have you noticed any sharp, shooting pains? The baby is probably resting on your sciatic nerve. The best thing to do is try to get some rest and put your feet up!

You may also have been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions for weeks now, but how do you know when it’s time to call your healthcare provider? If there is a change in the frequency of contractions, it’s probably a good idea to call. You might also notice some brown, pink, or red discharge signaling the fact that you have lost your mucus plug, and your water may also break. These are all signs that labor is starting and it’s a good idea to let your partner, and your healthcare provider, know that it’s time!

Me: Haha fuck you. I'm feeling like a serial killer. Those electrical tingles are not electrical tingles at all. It's not a tingle! Tingles are gentle. This is like Zeus decided he wanted to use my vagina for target practice with his lightening bolts. I can barely stand up like a normal human without hunching back over because, "ow, ow, ow." My child's head is pressed so hard on my vagina insides that it feels like I'm being stabbed in the crotch with a knife repeatedly. Luckily my sciatic pain is only pressured when... I'm trying to drop the kids off at the pool... ifyaknowwhati'msayin. It is actually one of the more uncomfortable things to happen on many levels. Imagine sitting on the porcelain god and you're about to release the Cracken (s) when a horrible pain shoots up your spine, down your ass nerve to your leg nerve and you're flailing on the toilet trying not to yelp so your husband doesn't run in like he did last time and bring your relationship to a whole new level of... "Well I guess we're just that comfortable now, aren't we?" 

I don't have a clue when I'm going to go into labor and I don't know what it will feel like. My stomach gets hard, I get my period cramps going and then it all just stops. It doesn't really hurt so I'm pretty sure those aren't real contractions, but I'm secretly hoping that I'm just a badass and those are contractions and I'm taking it like a superhero. What pisses me off is that it's uncomfortable but also if you google what a contraction feels like, no one fucking knows. Their advice is "When you have one, you'll know. Unless you're like my friends best friend Gina who didn't know she was in labor and had her baby while she was sleeping, so cray." Discharge is just a gross word. Don't even get me started on MUCUS PLUG. Is it a cork? Because it sounds like a cork when you say plug. I've not googled that because I like to keep food in my belly. I've heard that most times, your water doesn't even break so I wish all these websites would stop lying to my FACE! I've talked to 2 people out of the vast amount of friends with babies and their water has not broken! You are lying to ME!

2017 -- I laughed so hard I cried reading this. I'm pregnant again with a little boy this time and I'm due in March. This time around has not been quite as traumatic, but man, if you need a laugh about a first time mom anger/pregnancy, this post will do it. 

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It will come swiftly and end horribly

Oh fucking hell.

I think I'm not in a good place as far as sanity goes.

Let's start with, I feel awful. I have a virus and it's a constant shitting, nausea, vomiting virus. I know, you're probably thinking, noooo Taylor, that's called pregnancy, but, FUCK YOU BECAUSE IT'S CALLED A GODDAMN VIRUS.

Pregnancy has given me my fair share of random shits and morning sickness. I get it, but this is NOT that. That is innocent in comparison. This... What I have... This is not innocent. It rips your insides apart and makes you think you're going into early labor because of the constant lower back pain. It stops you mid conversation and you have to brace yourself against the nearest solid backdrop as the cold sweats envelope your body and you break out in goosebumps that you can normally only compare to a horrible hangover. You have to breathe through the onslaught of gurgling, stomach churning, ass clenching embarrassment. It takes hold of your sanity, dignity and happiness and murders them with the smell of what can only be described as dead cats and decaying bodies of horrible lost souls. THIS is not pregnancy sickness. This is a virus.

And it fucking sucks.

Now aside from the fact that every time I sneeze it feels like I'm about to unleash a brown sea of death all over my seat, I'm trooping through. I'm drinking water, eating healthy foods and trying to just calm down and not let this rule my life for the week that it's supposed to.

My boss has the same thing. But since he's my boss, he went home. Because he didn't feel good.

*sigh*

I called my doctor because,

1.) I want to shove Imodium in every crevice of my body if it will make it work faster.
2.) I'm pregnant and didn't feel like this was "normal" for pregnancy
3.) My asshole is about to fall off. Help.

She told me that 3 of her nurses had to go home with it. A lot of preggos have been calling in with the same symptoms and I can't take Imodium because the shit just needs to flow in order to get better. So there's nothing I can do about this. I'll just sit and wait. On the toilet. It's safe there.

That's all I got today, otherwise I'm just gonna shit my pants while typing.

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The Pregnancy Post

I'm 10 - almost 11 weeks pregnant.

Wow. Let's go over the gems that happen during pregnancy.

1.) Obvs. Morning Sickness - It's like, my mouth just got super watery and I think I'm going to vomit. But, no, it's just a lot of gagging and the sound only Satan himself could make flowing from my mouth. I didn't know I could even make noises like that. It's a burp, I think... but so much louder. I would win any burping competition with that shit right there. "They" (internet) say the second trimester will be better and by God I hope "they're" right.

2.) Hunger - No JK you're not hungry, YOU'RE FUCKING STARVING - Feels like I've been in the Sahara Desert alone for days without food or water and the all consuming need to devour the closest thing to my face - and then once it passes my lips into my mouth... haha, I feel nauseous again.

3.) I'm so tired - It's not just tired, it's exhausted. I'm exhausted. I wake up at about 7:20 which is pretty late considering some of the previous jobs I've held and by 10:00 I'm ready to go the fuck back to sleep. I've taken catnaps sitting at my desk while a camera behind me records everything. Ask me how many fucks I've conjured... None. Zero. I care not.

4.) TMI shit - It's everywhere. I can't go poo without it being a literal PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS. I'm living in constipation nation. Do you know what that's like? It's the most upsetting thing by far for me. I relish in my potty time, bring a book, catch up on my Facebook or Pinterest. Reeellaaxxxx. Now I'm just sitting there like... "We gonna do this thing or not?" Quite upsetting.

5.) Friends - Oh bai y'all! I think what's frustrating is that when you're pregnant...  friends who don't have kids or aren't pregnant as well  don't understand that you don't FEEL like doing anything, anymore. I'm making human bits inside me and I really wasn't aware how much energy would be depleted, but it's a fuck ton. "Wanna grab dinner later?" No... I want to sleep. "Wanna come over to my house and watch this show?" That just translated to, "Want to spend an hour in traffic to get to your house so I can watch a show that I don't even like." Nah. I'll pass I've got the show at my house. We don't need to watch it together. And then you're just consumed with rage when they bitch about it. And all I can say is "I know. I'm a selfish, tired, whore. Cool story. I want some chocolate milk." I don't care about petty shit. If you can't understand that I want to gag most times I move my body and it's tiring enough to move from the couch to the bed, then fuck off. We'll talk when you stop living in lala land and realize the sun doesn't shine out of your ass.

6.) The emotional range - It's all consuming, always. It strikes at any moment. Happy, sad, crying, hulking out, apathetic. That's the order it goes in. I always end with... I don't know why I got so (insert ridiculous emotion here)

7.) Cravings - These. I feel like I won't be seeing the last of these anytime soon. It's not as though you want some ice cream and you don't have any so, "Oh well." It's more like, you NEED that particular ice cream. Fucking now. It plays with your emotions. You get all excited because you know you left one blue berry muffin in the container and it's going to be so delicious in your mouth parts - WHERE THE FUCK IS THE LAST MUFFIN?!?!?! Your husband ate it. "I'm sorry, honey." Response - "Just go die in a fire already. I didn't mean that but, fuck you is all." Serious. He just ate food and I basically want him dead for it. That's not cool pregnant Taylor. That's not cool.

8.) Sex - Give it to meh babeh! But only when I want it. Otherwise get the fuck away from me, you smell like onions and grass clippings. This is similar to cravings.

9.) Smellllssss - Everything is awful except for cinnamon, laundry detergent and scented trash bags. I can't stand the smell of a grocery store. It's like body odor and death and then cheese is somewhere in there. Fuck all of that.

10.) Boobs - Ow. I'll fucking kill the next person who touches my boobs. It's not a laughing matter. Shank shank in the face will happen.

In all reality, I'm excited for the baby and I'm happy that all of these signs mean things are progressing normally. I just like to complain, a lot.

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Adventure Awaits...

Recently a few classmates I went to high school with passed away. I can't say I knew them all that well. I knew of them. They had a lot of friends and from the glimpses I did see of them... well, they were teenage boys. I graduated with the Class of '09. That was 5 years ago.

They were in their early 20's and their lives were cut short by a power greater than us. I've prayed and will pray for their families and keep my hopes up that we don't lose anymore young souls. Unfortunately, the fact is, someone will be taken away from us.

My point for you, and for me, is to please live your life, not just to the fullest, but to the best. Young or old, live your life. It's extremely short and gets shorter as the years go by. They fly by faster than you remember as a child and in the blink of an eye, you're looking at your hands and face remembering how they used to be small or wrinkle free, realizing that your time will come as well.

Cherish time with family, friends and loved ones. As much as life throws at us and as much time as we spend caring about things that are smaller in the broad spectrum of our lives, we need to remember that we serve a purpose.

I do.

You do. 

We do. 

It's all for a purpose. People pass away and it doesn't get any easier. It's up to you, you can make sure that you walk out of your house every morning with a smile, and be happy for even the tiniest reason. You woke up.

I feel like people are set in such a negative state of mind that you can't turn around without being slapped with bad news. Change yourself and state of mind to help change other people's state of mind. Smile more, love often, and be open to things that you have always wanted to do, but were too afraid to try.

No matter how old you are, adventure awaits. Everyone's life is a book, some are short, some are long, some have epic stories to tell. Make your life epic. Make your story as adventurous as possible.

Everyone's definition of adventure is different. Just love yours and keep smiling, life is too short to act any other way.

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Goddamnit Mr. Noodle

My parent's are meeting his parents this weekend.

On top of the little loaf I pinch just thinking about that scenario, I'm also frustrated that my anxiety gets so bad that I actually want to literally shit myself.

I don't let my friends meet each other, mainly because I'm pretty sure they're not going to get along. On my birthday I had my best friend, ex boyfriend, and dude friends at Goose's Acre, and the entire time before everyone arrived I felt like I had a bad case of the nervous farts. Once everyone arrived and chatted, my fear was gone, but my anxiety ruins the ability to get drunk, or have fun, or let my parents meet his parents.

I didn't even want this to happen until our maybe wedding day. What's so wrong with that? Why do you people want to meet? I find it all highly unnecessary. I've expressed more than enough times to my mother how nervous I get about my dad and her meeting ... well... anyone and I'm really positive it's because of the, "We must meet every living soul that you like and want in your life!" rule. Granted I will probably do the EXACT same thing to my child for safety reasons and whatnot, but for me it was anxiety inducing, paper bag needing, sweaty handed nonsense. They're being good parent's, but I felt so uncomfortable and that made the experience even MORE uncomfortable. I'm totally cool with meeting new people, I actually like it. I'm friendly and I don't know too many people I can't have a valid conversation with, but sweet butter on a stick I feel like my parents are, "hard to please." That is in quotes because apparently I think they are, but they think they are not. Therefore, they are not................... According to them. If we were going to a bar, having a drink and they casually met, it would be super different, but this shit is formal. This is being orchestrated. It's not by chance, it's fully on purpose. WHY? JUST FUCKING WHY? I feel like that makes it 65 times more awkward than it would be if the dad's met at a strip club and the mom's met at Bizarre Bizarre. I need it to be over already.

So this Saturday, I will look nice and go to a dinner that already has me questioning who is going to pay? What will they talk about? How many bathroom breaks is appropriate before it gets fucking weird, and can I order a good amount of alcohol and chug it before I have to walk into my own personal version of hell?

My palms are sweating already.

Why do I even have to be there? I get my relationship is on the serious side, but holy elf on a shelf I don't think it's even relevant if they're trying to get to know the person who birthed their child's mate.

I blow most everything out of proportion. I am a drama queen in the quietest sense. In my head things are exploding and guns are being shot and clowns are chasing dolphins with Miley Cyrus foam fingers. In reality it's just that someone crunched a chip and I know how much my mom despises that so it's now the creepy LSD version of World War 3.

I know...

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Dreamin' BIGGGGG

I'm normally not much of a promoter of strange things to strange people I don't know, but I'm all for helping people make their dreams happen. So here ya go fuckers.


http://www.mixify.com/contest/somethingwicked

Clicky.

Cool. You clicked it right? It's not spam... Fuck you. It's not spam.

Ok. Now that you've clicked, vote for the band VICE CLUB. They've got a sweet remix to Thriller. Yes. That Thriller, with the hand movements like a Velociraptor (sp?)  It's for the children!

No.

No it's not. But it is for my friend who will maybe one day have children. For now, he wants a DJ career. Make it happen captain.

And just so you know it is actually me...

For real. You're welcome.

G'night.

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So This Is Love? ... Ladadada

Aww... 

Oh.. wait, I meant, so this is love JKLAJKALDSJKLG:JD:KLJKL:ADJ:L!!!!

KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!

Or lot's of stabbing...

The love I share... with the man I love, is a special kind. Filled with much adoration, as well as a specific need to want to kill him with sharp objects on the regular.

The only difference between him and ... well... the rest, is that I would miss him after I fed him to the fishes.

This man-child I'm dating gives me all the stupid feelings that people said I would feel when I was "in love." Feelings I truly thought were impossible for my black soul covered in ice and pieces of shrapnel metal could feel. According to family member's, yep, I'm in love.

To me, this is why it's stupid.

1.) Fuck my life, I don't want to miss someone all the time.

It's not like an oh my God my heart aches unbearably for you, always!!! kind of feeling. No no, see, hell will literally freeze over if that ever happens. I miss him, but it's more like a dull, annnnnnoying, scratching in my brain. Something to the effect of, "I wonder what time he's getting off of work tonight. I would like to see his face. ........ I also want spaghetti."

2.) Death to butterflies.

It still get's me. We haven't been dating for years and years but these butterflies are incessant. They normally die off around the first time I shaboink someone. They'll die off and never return and the relationship will become pretty regular. But, I see him and I want to kick myself in the gut for being such a fucking dork. I'm like an impressionable teenage girl who just saw Channing Tatum for the first time ever in my life and he said hello and oh dear Jesus he touched my hand. I'm never bathing again. Yeah. So that's annoying. He just sideways smiles at me and I immediately want to punch him in the face for making me feel ... um?.... Happy. He makes me happy with a look. UGH.

3.) I'm so mad but you're making me laugh. I hate you more now.

He pisses me off on the daily. So does everyone else, but I can stay mad at everyone else for at least 3 days. I cannot stay angry with him. I try so deeply and fervently to muster my anger at him for being such a dumb fuck face ( my super cute nickname for him) and I hold on to it because he did something or said something really stupid. Then he's all, "Want some ice cream?" And BOOM. I'm in love again. Just kidding, he does know food is the way to my heart, but he cracks me up as well. He laughs at me when I'm mad. What the fuck? I want him to cower in fear like the rest. Nay, the penis-bearer just laughs at me, which just makes me angrier and then I start laughing because I'm such a child it's unreal.

4.) He's successfully woken me up in a shocking way and not died.

My family played paper, scissors, rock to see who would have to wake me from my hibernation in the mornings. They would slowly open my door and whisper my name as to not startle the beast with three heads... ahem, me. If things went well they would see my head pop up and swiftly close the door and wait for me to drag my near lifeless body to the kitchen table. If things didn't go so well...

 

Something like that would happen...

This lovely boyfriend of mine decides to towel whip me awake, jump on my sleeping body, have a one sided pillow fight with my comatose limbs and gets a ... smile? What is wrong with me?!?! I'm getting soft guys. I'm losing my edge.

5.) I don't like venting about him to anyone because I don't want to hear them talk shit too.

I am known for telling everyone pretty much everything. Heller, I have a blog. Once upon a time, I could easily scald and dismantle the very fiber that held my relationships together just by venting about the boyfriends of past and past-er to my friends and family. They would in turn talk shit and haterade on him for the rest of forever because of that one thing he did that I am now over. It never fails. I say, "I want to vent, I'll be over it soon." They hear, "I'm breaking up with him." I don't do that with this one. I like him. A lot. Obviously by the lack of death I've been wishing upon him. We fight, yes, but I'm not going to talk shit, because I know I'll be over it in 5 mins - 24 hours.

So this is my version of love... It's fucking weird... Juuuustt the way I like it.

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Fall with style

Let's talk about how I suck at being human.

Have you ever done something so incredibly embarrassing, and then just never forgotten about it.

I remember that one time I was publicly dumped ... in 5th grade by that one guy. I still remember his name and the color of the shirt I was silently spilling my tears on. Like, DAMN. That one still gets me in the feels. 10 year old awkward string bean of a tomboy just got pwned by a little popcorn fart of a future douche bag. I really have no idea if he turned into a douche bag or not to be quite honest.

....................He probably did.

I also remember when I tried out for Drama Club in high school because I had a giant crush on my neighbor who was also trying out. Annnnnnd I forgot all my lines. I quickly stated in front of the entire scope of students we had to perform in front of as well as my crush, "I'm sorry, I can't do this." And sat in shame. So. much. shame.

Not such a big deal now, but holy fuck, then it was horrific. It was the worst day of my life. Little did I know that the universe would be like, "Oh dear, it's going to get so much worse."

 I'm pretty sure... This is the face of the universe.

I think the issue with these horrific incidences is that I basically live in the past. I'm made of memories that are publicly humiliating.

I performed in some dance recital in high school for my class. I missed a step and got turned around and bumped another girl. I will never forget that. Pretty sure everyone saw and it's on someones home movie. "My daughter was so graceful and beautiful... and then a minute in, some dumb bitch runs into her!" Uh-thatwasme.

I ripped my pants in 7th grade and walked around the school like that until my best friend told me my kitty underwear was showing. .... Still in my brain.

I wore a low cut shirt on my first day of sophomore year thinking, "BOOBS. FINALLY, BOOBS!"
Was immediately called out for not having boobs in class.

Exactly.

Cut my hair short freshman year, got asked if I was a lesbian until it grew out.
Really?

Yes.

Shit happens. I'm hoping all of this minor, silly stuff happened for a reason. Maybe I'll have a daughter or son just like me and they will need stories from their mother's past that will make them feel like it's not the end of the world.

All in all, I've gotten funny stories from some of these moments and it's made me a little impervious to embarrassing occurrences now. The reason I thought of all of these painful memories was because I have a zit on my philtrum (go google that) and my own boyfriend asked me if it was herpes. . . ..... ... You should know, as I'm typing all of those dot dot dots out, I'm making this face...

 He asked it in front of many people... The first time I met his mother he told her I gave him herpes...

That irritation and minor embarrassment made me relive my past...

I don't have herpes by the way. Really, I'm clean.
But if you're ever embarrassed about something just remember shit happens and happens again but it's basically universal ruler Britney Spears saying your life is too normal right now. Be like Tina Fey, brush it off and make a funny occurrence out of it. Fall with style and all that nonsense.

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Pretend

I use this blog in a lot of ways...

Today I'm using it to look like I'm intently working on something that is useful for my job. Don't get me wrong... I bust my ass at work, but sometimes I need a 15 minute break to chill and write or type. I've done it on my lunch break and my bosses are pretty lenient, but even if they did ask what I was doing I would just blank stare them to an uncomfortable presence only nerds who asked the prom queen for a dance know, and say, "typing."

basically.

Hail to the nerds. I was queen... of the loners in high school.

So, I look like shit today. And I feel annoyed to no end.

My hair is a greaseball of love that only my boyfriend accepts me with. I don't think my own mother would hug me right now. I also think there is an ant on my face. I KNOW their (<- I caught this typo a day later and almost revoked my internet privileges... almost) there*** is a zit on my face...

Fun fact: Sugar ants DO bite. THEY FUCKING BITE. I have them all over my desk at work. It's an infestation. If I walk away for more than 7 minutes and leave my innocent redbull on the counter, I come back to it being feeler fucked by a bunch of tiny sugar ants. So I squish their tiny baby ant bodies and relish in what sounds like screaming but is probably just me farting with joy and not realizing I'm making that squeeeeee noise.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

Point of this post? I'm in a rut dudes. I just keep hitting a dead end with everything I seem to do and the worst part is, I have no one to blame but myself. I cause my own problems. Well, past me created my problems for present me. And present me is like, GOD! You were so dumb.

I would love more than anything to get my shit together and be on top of the world, but I can't stop falling down after trying to climb out of this hole. I could give you every analogy you ever dreamed of for my situation... Sinking ship, drowning in a sea of ... I don't know, debt, anger, issues beyond psychological help. Dancing in a burning room (thanks john mayer). Pretty down right? Well yeah, I've never been one of those uplifting people for myself. If you have a problem I could talk you off the edge. I could make it seem like it's nothing that can't be handled with a well organized plan! I can't seem to do the same for me. My personality tends to go from days of extreme elation, to horrid depression and then 96% of the time I'm just "whatever" about life and pass gas uncontrollably.

I think I'm going to join the circus? I'm done with this adult life. I don't want to be responsible for monies and jobs and whatnots. Can I revert to the childlike laughter that would make other adults glare in confusion?
Complain complain complain.

So how do I fix it? How do I fix my debt, my anger, and my weird personality disorder that claims my emotions? If someone finds the answer, lemme know.

I'll be here.

Working.

Kind of.

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