Old People Have All The Fun

Let us all realize that one day we will all die.

That sucks.

Moment of silence for all of our future deaths...

Ok, but before we die, hopefully we get really really old first simply because it is a fact that old people, I think, have all the fun. I'm not talking about people in their 40's, 50's, or 60's because personally I think that's still young. I'm talking cane in hand, tennis balls on the bottom of their walkers, senile look in the eyes, old.

These old farts (sorry grandma) get away with everything! They're worse than little kids. Little kids are meant to be taught right from wrong, old people know you really can't do shit to back up the fact that you just said no to them though.

"You want me to stop scratching my nuts in front of you? Oh that's cute." *Continues to scratch nuts*

"You want me to take my meds when you feel I should? *throws pills across room* "Bitch."

They just don't give a shit. They can voice their opinion and what are you going to do? Nothing. They're old. Set in their ways.

I. 

Fucking.

Love it.

This morning I went to get some coffee because I'm like The Thing without my glorious cup of mud. I tralalala all the way to the company coffee maker and just as I'm pouring my fixings in an old man walks up behind me, makes no eye contact with my eyeballs, looks down right at my arse and says "Guh' mornin' little lady." 

Are you for real? 

You just blatantly checked me out and said good morning to my ass. Hmm.  How do I feel about this? 

Well it went in this order...

Rage.

Fumes.

Disgust.

Laughter?

Hell yes laughter because that old man is the tits! The cat's meow if you will...

Admit it. If you were a female and some young dude checked you out... or even some middle aged dude checked you out in a totally sexist way, you would be all like "Uh. Excuse me assface! I'M RIGHT HERE!!!! MOTHER#$%! I can SEE you! *continuous bitching that you later regret because you were in front of all of your coworkers and it was possibly your bosses son or husband doing the skeezy eye on your goodies.* 

All hell would break loose.

Old man does it... your reaction is *murmuring to yourself while glaring the other direction* "Sick old bastard."

These clowns can literally get away with pissing all over themselves and then shoving their thumb up a dogs butt. "Oh grandpa's just being silly." 

Don't get me wrong, it's not just the old dudes who get to have all the fun otherwise this would be titled Old Men Have All The Fun. Old ladies. Yes... you. With the ginormous bag. And the cane. And the attitude. I'm talking to you.

I love you. 

I can't wait to be you. Right after that old man says "Guh' mornin'" to my ass you're going to be slapping the shit out of him. All the guts and glory of being old and female... I can't wait for it.

Who here feels uncomfortable when a little old lady walks up to you and just starts bitching? I personally fear for my life. Maybe its getting scolded by someone older... or maybe it's because I think they have nothing left to live for so they may as well go down killing me. I feel numb and sweaty and maybe I pee a little bit. When I worked in food service I prayed every day that no one would mess up the little old lady's order other wise someone was getting fired. It was actually (no lie) terrifying. I always feared they'd freak out so much the razor teeth would come and some old bitch would climb on the ceiling screaming "NO MAYOOOOOOOO." Fuck. That. "You said no mayo? You ain't gettin' mayo ma'am." 

I honestly could go on and on about how awesome it is to be old and how I can't wait to get there. I mean, senior citizen discounts at the movies! Respect for being decrepit! No make up! Cute granny clothes! I can speak my mind whenever I please! Say whatever the fuck I want! Oh it's going to be exciting getting old. I don't wish for it to come faster I'm just okay with the fact that it will come.