EYE.

Let's talk about my fucking eye for a second.

This shit is driving me insane. I put contact in... eye looks red and angry. I take contact out... eye feels like someone shoved salt and glass in it.

So the lesson is... no more of that. Whatever that is. I'm almost tempted to put my contact back in to make it feel better but I fear my entire eyeball will just turn into mush after I attempt to take it out.

In all of this intense burning I realized *sigh* I need to go to the eye doctor. People fear the dentist for some ungodly reason... "Ohh noooo they're gonna clean your teeth!" I fear the opthamologist because of many reasons which I will demonstrate.

The Dot Test-

The one where you have to sit with one eye blacked out and one eye on a white screen and every time you see a black dot you click this little button they give you.

This test is like a game to me and if I don't win they give me a bad grade. No joke. It's like the hearing tests they gave in elementary school... I wouldn't even hear a beep but I'd click the button anyways.

"Taylor, there was no beep."
"I have supersonic hearing... and there was a beep."

That's how it goes with the eye test.
My eyes start to play tricks on me so I overthink the entire test and imagine black dots every 2 seconds. It's a lose lose situation. You're asking me to look into a bright light and I don't like that.

The Dreaded Blowy Test-

I hate this one. I wish someone would come up with a better way to do this. I want to know a bad person is being karma fucked for me having to take this test. It's the grand ole test to check the pressure in your eye. They blow a puff of air in your eye expecting you to just let that happen naturally and not blink or flinch. This is how it goes down with my doctor:

We're sitting in the dimly lit room and she explains how the test will be done.

"Ok Taylor, ready?
*Nods head*
"Three.... Two.... One...*pfft* .... Why did you blink? I counted down for you and everything."
"Ok. I'm sorry I got nervous. You were counting down and it felt like something bad was about to happen."
"Ok. One more time. Three... Two... One... *pfft*... Ok you can't blink otherwise we'll just have to keep doing this. I'm counting down to let you know when the puff of air is coming."
"Yeah... maybe you should stop doing that... It lets me know when I should blink."
"I'm not going to count down this time. Keep your eyes open for 30 seconds..........................*pfft*. You blinked again."
"That time was out of fear. You weren't counting down so I felt like I was gonna be ambushed."

This continues on for about 10 minutes until I forcefully tell my brain not to let me blink. Then we have to do the test 3 more times because they don't think my pressure should be that high.
Happens. Every. Time.

The 3D Cornea Test-
Oh. My. God.

This test freaks me out because it involves a MACHINE TOUCHING MY EYE. I repeat... A MACHINE... TOUCHING... MY EYE! I sincerely don't see the point in this one. I know it's to look for problems behind your eye and throughout your cornea but seriously... It scares the life out of me.
They take these yellow numbing drops and with a soft stick thing they put them in your eyes. Essentially poking you in the eye with a stick. The doctor then grabs a remote and waits 30 seconds for the drops to take effect before she starts playing with the remote and this machine starts coming at you with this bright LED light. I always look away and get in trouble because you're supposed to look directly into the blinding light. They get about 2cm away from touching your eye and then proceed to tell you, "This is going to touch your eye." Um no. I don't want it to touch my eye. What if your hand slips and you push it all the way through to the back of my head? OH GOD WHY???? I'm surprised I've never passed out.

My first trip to get my contacts was when I was 12 and my doctor was so mad at me because he had to put my contact in for me... and I was not allowing my eye to open. I don't remember why he had to put my contact in and I couldn't, but it was a traumatizing experience and ever since then people trying to touch my eyes or even do my make up has been quite an event.

The machine with the bright light touching your eye is the most awful feeling in the world. It's like E.T. just got a little too personal. I don't enjoy it.

                                                                        Not. My. Eye.

So my eyes could be bleeding glitter and I could be crying cat vomit and I still wouldn't willingly go to the eye doctor unless it hurt. A lot. That is the only reason I'm going right now. My eyeball hurts. It's red and angry and the other one has been slightly less irritated but still.

I will be taking anyone who volunteers to come with me so they can calm me down and woosah me into a dark submission. Maybe I should just take a xanax before I go in.
"Do what you want docs. I feel like butterflys are kissing my eyes in the best way."