Wow. Let's go over the gems that happen during pregnancy.
1.) Obvs. Morning Sickness - It's like, my mouth just got super watery and I think I'm going to vomit. But, no, it's just a lot of gagging and the sound only Satan himself could make flowing from my mouth. I didn't know I could even make noises like that. It's a burp, I think... but so much louder. I would win any burping competition with that shit right there. "They" (internet) say the second trimester will be better and by God I hope "they're" right.
2.) Hunger - No JK you're not hungry, YOU'RE FUCKING STARVING - Feels like I've been in the Sahara Desert alone for days without food or water and the all consuming need to devour the closest thing to my face - and then once it passes my lips into my mouth... haha, I feel nauseous again.
3.) I'm so tired - It's not just tired, it's exhausted. I'm exhausted. I wake up at about 7:20 which is pretty late considering some of the previous jobs I've held and by 10:00 I'm ready to go the fuck back to sleep. I've taken catnaps sitting at my desk while a camera behind me records everything. Ask me how many fucks I've conjured... None. Zero. I care not.
4.) TMI shit - It's everywhere. I can't go poo without it being a literal PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS. I'm living in constipation nation. Do you know what that's like? It's the most upsetting thing by far for me. I relish in my potty time, bring a book, catch up on my Facebook or Pinterest. Reeellaaxxxx. Now I'm just sitting there like... "We gonna do this thing or not?" Quite upsetting.
5.) Friends - Oh bai y'all! I think what's frustrating is that when you're pregnant... friends who don't have kids or aren't pregnant as well don't understand that you don't FEEL like doing anything, anymore. I'm making human bits inside me and I really wasn't aware how much energy would be depleted, but it's a fuck ton. "Wanna grab dinner later?" No... I want to sleep. "Wanna come over to my house and watch this show?" That just translated to, "Want to spend an hour in traffic to get to your house so I can watch a show that I don't even like." Nah. I'll pass I've got the show at my house. We don't need to watch it together. And then you're just consumed with rage when they bitch about it. And all I can say is "I know. I'm a selfish, tired, whore. Cool story. I want some chocolate milk." I don't care about petty shit. If you can't understand that I want to gag most times I move my body and it's tiring enough to move from the couch to the bed, then fuck off. We'll talk when you stop living in lala land and realize the sun doesn't shine out of your ass.
6.) The emotional range - It's all consuming, always. It strikes at any moment. Happy, sad, crying, hulking out, apathetic. That's the order it goes in. I always end with... I don't know why I got so (insert ridiculous emotion here)
7.) Cravings - These. I feel like I won't be seeing the last of these anytime soon. It's not as though you want some ice cream and you don't have any so, "Oh well." It's more like, you NEED that particular ice cream. Fucking now. It plays with your emotions. You get all excited because you know you left one blue berry muffin in the container and it's going to be so delicious in your mouth parts - WHERE THE FUCK IS THE LAST MUFFIN?!?!?! Your husband ate it. "I'm sorry, honey." Response - "Just go die in a fire already. I didn't mean that but, fuck you is all." Serious. He just ate food and I basically want him dead for it. That's not cool pregnant Taylor. That's not cool.
8.) Sex - Give it to meh babeh! But only when I want it. Otherwise get the fuck away from me, you smell like onions and grass clippings. This is similar to cravings.
9.) Smellllssss - Everything is awful except for cinnamon, laundry detergent and scented trash bags. I can't stand the smell of a grocery store. It's like body odor and death and then cheese is somewhere in there. Fuck all of that.
10.) Boobs - Ow. I'll fucking kill the next person who touches my boobs. It's not a laughing matter. Shank shank in the face will happen.
In all reality, I'm excited for the baby and I'm happy that all of these signs mean things are progressing normally. I just like to complain, a lot.
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