Holy Shit, Life

FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

I am officially 3 weeks postpartum with my second kiddo and let me tell you one thing - Motherhood is the most wonderful, difficult piece of pumpkin pie doused with laxatives that somehow constipate you that I've ever been through (so far).

Ok, to be honest it's not JUST motherhood it's that plus wifeness mixed with a little bit of "who the fuck am I now?" because after 2 kids at 26, I just don't know. I have no clue.

I know how to be a mom, I know how to be a wife, I have no idea how those two ideas are supposed to merge together to be some actual functioning person who has a good time at all.

Oh, and the girl who wrote all of the blogs prior to maybe the last 2, that bitch is gone. I mean GEE OH ENN EEE GONE. Bye girl. I don't know where she went, or who's soul she decided to fly into after leaving mine but I haven't seen that girl in at least 4 years. It's actually kind of sad.

But I'm too damn busy to be sad nowadays. Sadness is not a computable emotion. Let me tell you what emotions I'm allowed as a mom:

Done. Done is an emotion. Tired. All the fucking time. Pissed 97.3% of my life I'm just pissed now. Hungry. It's like the one thing that remained the same. Sarcastic. It's the emotion that feeds my day. Sarcastic. And if you're sitting here thinking, what a dumb bitch, those are not emotions - le fuck le you. These are the emotions I can put into words other than *BANSHEE SCREEECH* *HEADSMASH INTO A WALL* *OVERWHELMING LOVE FEELS FOR CHILDREN*.

It all started when I got knocked up at 21. OH HAPPY DAY. I was not expecting to get pregnant 6 months into dating my now husband but wouldn't you know, that's what happens when you don't use a rubber one time and you're the epitome of what we call FERTILE MYRTLE. We were ecstatic. I wanted kids at a young age, and my now husband thought he was shooting blanks. We had already discussed getting married and how much we smooshy gooshy loved each other. Little did I know and thank baby jesus he had already asked my parents for their blessing by the time I dropped the bomb that I was expecting his spawn.

We got married on Valentines Day because it was cheap and lets face it, men aren't the greatest at remembering anniversaries and that date put me at 2 months pregnant. My mother in law likes to point out my baby belly in my wedding pictures. "Look you can see Ellie."

Marriage Level  - Complete.
Spawn 1 Level - Complete.

Right after I had our daughter we both got new jobs. He's a programmer, I play chess all day. That's a metaphor but my job is like a chess game.

Steady Job Level - Complete.

Next was the House Level. We got the house in a gated community, I felt so grown up and fancy. LITTLE DID I FUCKING KNOW the house was a giant facade of togetherness. It seemed perfect - a decent sized home that would need just minor fixes here and there.... Just kidding, we've already drained at least 20,000 into this motherfucker from all of the repairs and fixes such as the amount of flooding that the homeowner lied about that happened over the course of 20 years. They never fixed any of it and never reported it on the home disclosures so that was our burden. It flooded an inch in the entire house on the one year anniversary of owning it. but whatever... there is a special place in hell for the previous homeowners.

House Level - Complete.

My car had a tendency to shut off completely while I was turning onto busy intersections and in general was a giant piece of crap so after it died while I was turning onto a busy street with my baby daughter and we almost died, I got a new (recently used) one.

New Car Level - Complete.

If you haven't guessed by now, literally after I had my 1st child life was like, HEY LET ME FUCK YOU UP SIDEWAYS. It was super hard. Let me just add that I had a striking case of rage inducing postpartum depression so on top of just wanting to end my life and hanging from the bathroom shower, I was also getting buttfucked by the universe. But I was a mom so I couldn't feel feelings. <--- This is how I felt, not how I feel. I can see now that yes, life was difficult and I was going through some shit but it could have been worse and we got past that time.

2 years later things were looking up. My husband and I had both gotten promotions, our parents were key in helping us fix our home and repairing it after living in a gutted house for 2 years. My husband and I were finding our love again because after a child it's just so hard to devote much time to loving anything but your child. Again, that's how I feel, and my feelings aren't for everyone.

Then... I started to feel... sick. Then... I realized I missed my period and I neverrrrrrrr miss my period unless.... Shit.

SPAWN 2 LEVEL UP - Complete.

The day I found out I was pregnant with my son, I cried. Not a happy cry, like an.. OHHHH FUCKKKKKKKK NO cry. I'm not going to lie, I wasn't ecstatic. I was freaked the hell out. I had just gotten my body back, I was smoking a pack of cigarettes a day to deal with all of the stress of work and my existing child, I was downing redbulls and doubleshots of espresso to keep up with my job and my kid. I was NOT ready to give all of that up and be an average functioning human.

But I did. Goodbye sweet nicotene, goodbye cute body, peace out redbulls of endless energy and farewell alcohol in the middle of the day, FAREFUCKINGWELL to freedom and feeling like myself again.

My husband was super happy, I became happier about the pregnancy once I just pushed forth with acceptance and skipped the grief, denial, anger, and bargaining. We found out it was a boy and I was over the moon excited because my daughter ... she didn't hate me but she definitely had a softer spot for my husband than she did for me. Daddy's girl. So I was ready for a Momma's boy.

9 months later and my little love Joseph was born. That was 3 weeks ago and I am back to feeling, not as sad or raging with hatred for myself postpartum as I was with my daughter, but I'm not feeling right. So here I am, looking for an outlet. Looking for a place to be myself and reallllllly say, I'm not ok, but that's ok because the internet accepts all freaks.

I don't know who I am, I don't know how to find that funny, silly person I was because that girl doesn't exist anymore. She's on to greener pastures and I'm not sure how to find her. I feel like I might get her back in a few years, but even then, I still don't know who I am right now. So I might try to blog until I find her or start some other hobby to try and lead me back to her. I know this blog is not funny but for me it's a starting point. I'm writing again. Not well, not humorous and I don't have time to find funny ass gifs to go with the post because Joseph needs a bottle. No proof reads tonight, I'm just balls to the wall posting. Don't judge me too harshly and if you related to this at all, I hope you find comfort in knowing you're not alone in feeling like you're not yourself.