38 Weeks - The Baby Sites VS Me

- I never published this post - I went into labor shortly after I wrote it with my daughter. I re-read it and couldn't stop laughing. It's been 3 years since I posted anything good on this website, and thought it was about time to begin again.

This is from Early September 2014 --

It's been a while since I've posted and that's mainly because I don't feel like writing out my long thoughts on this subject or that and feel I'm quite volatile as of late so my opinions may come off as rather "Fuckity fuck go fuck yourrrseellffff" more than humorous... which is more what I've wanted this blog to always be.

So, because I'm 38 weeks pregnant, I had an idea. I was reading up on all of these magical pregnancy websites and it got me thinking how very fucking strange and joyful they made this shit out to be. So I'm doing a, their expression vs my reaction type of blog today.

Here we go. Week 38 - In a motherfucking nutshell.

THEM: Congratulations! You’ve reached the final weeks in your pregnancy (if you haven’t delivered already)! Your baby has probably reached his birth weight by now. Most babies weigh somewhere between six to eight pounds when they are born. Boys are usually longer and heavier than girls. All of his internal organs are ready to support him in the outside world. She has also developed healthy amounts of baby fat over the past week, and her immune system is developing, and will continue to develop after she is born. Her fingernails and toenails have reached the end of her fingers and toes, and might even need a trim after she is born!

Not much has changed from last week, all his internal organs are ready to support him in the outside world, he’s developed healthy amounts of baby fat over the past week and his immune system is developing and will continue to develop after he is born. - www.everydayfamily.com

Me: Fucking A, I've reached the final weeks in my pregnancy. I hope this is THE final week in my pregnancy. My baby is not yet delivered and I want to fucking strangle someone. Preferably someone who has a penis and someone who looks like my husband. Fuck it, I'll just strangle my husband. I'm not having a boy thank baby Jesus Christ because if my stomach got any bigger or she was any longer or heavier, at this point I would just cry. I'm so glad she's developed healthy amounts of fat, I'm glad she's healthy and her immune system is developing. "All babies want to get borned!!! Your baby has fingernails you know?!" - Su Chin - Juno. I will never not think of that quote when any baby website decides to touch on the fact that my little unicorn of love has fingernails. 

Not much has changed from last week other than my lack of sanity. It's decreasing at a rampant rate due to the complete lack of sleep that inhibits my life. My bladder is full, so I'm awake, my stomach is a rock hard ball because of these motherfucking Braxton Hicks Contractions, so I'm awake, and my spouse is SNORING LIKE A FUCKING GIANT even though he is a man of 130 lbs.... So I'm awake. Fuck that guy. I love him, but so much of me has thought about cutting his testicles off with a dull pair of scissors. 

THEM: How are you feeling? Have you noticed any electrical tingles in your legs and inside of your vagina? These tingles are caused by your baby hitting nerves as she settles down into your pelvic area. Have you noticed any sharp, shooting pains? The baby is probably resting on your sciatic nerve. The best thing to do is try to get some rest and put your feet up!

You may also have been experiencing Braxton Hicks contractions for weeks now, but how do you know when it’s time to call your healthcare provider? If there is a change in the frequency of contractions, it’s probably a good idea to call. You might also notice some brown, pink, or red discharge signaling the fact that you have lost your mucus plug, and your water may also break. These are all signs that labor is starting and it’s a good idea to let your partner, and your healthcare provider, know that it’s time!

Me: Haha fuck you. I'm feeling like a serial killer. Those electrical tingles are not electrical tingles at all. It's not a tingle! Tingles are gentle. This is like Zeus decided he wanted to use my vagina for target practice with his lightening bolts. I can barely stand up like a normal human without hunching back over because, "ow, ow, ow." My child's head is pressed so hard on my vagina insides that it feels like I'm being stabbed in the crotch with a knife repeatedly. Luckily my sciatic pain is only pressured when... I'm trying to drop the kids off at the pool... ifyaknowwhati'msayin. It is actually one of the more uncomfortable things to happen on many levels. Imagine sitting on the porcelain god and you're about to release the Cracken (s) when a horrible pain shoots up your spine, down your ass nerve to your leg nerve and you're flailing on the toilet trying not to yelp so your husband doesn't run in like he did last time and bring your relationship to a whole new level of... "Well I guess we're just that comfortable now, aren't we?" 

I don't have a clue when I'm going to go into labor and I don't know what it will feel like. My stomach gets hard, I get my period cramps going and then it all just stops. It doesn't really hurt so I'm pretty sure those aren't real contractions, but I'm secretly hoping that I'm just a badass and those are contractions and I'm taking it like a superhero. What pisses me off is that it's uncomfortable but also if you google what a contraction feels like, no one fucking knows. Their advice is "When you have one, you'll know. Unless you're like my friends best friend Gina who didn't know she was in labor and had her baby while she was sleeping, so cray." Discharge is just a gross word. Don't even get me started on MUCUS PLUG. Is it a cork? Because it sounds like a cork when you say plug. I've not googled that because I like to keep food in my belly. I've heard that most times, your water doesn't even break so I wish all these websites would stop lying to my FACE! I've talked to 2 people out of the vast amount of friends with babies and their water has not broken! You are lying to ME!

2017 -- I laughed so hard I cried reading this. I'm pregnant again with a little boy this time and I'm due in March. This time around has not been quite as traumatic, but man, if you need a laugh about a first time mom anger/pregnancy, this post will do it.