The Cats Addiction

I don't even know where to start.
The beginning, dumbass.
Oh. I guess that's a good place...
*inner turmoil*


I dozed off to the sound of Fairly Odd Parents playing in the background around midnight last night. It felt like I had actually just closed my eyes and let the lull of Timmy Turners voice rock me to sleep when Kris' alarm clock went off. "Every day I'm hustlin', Every day I'm hustlin'" ... Cause he's gangster yo. He works at a bakery so he opens up shop at 5:00 most mornings. I can usually fall back asleep after he leaves but alas, this morning I was doomed to walk the wakened world.

The only reason that I actually had to get up was because of Dexter. The demon cat that has an addicts need to knock over anything that contains water almost died this morning. I shall explain.

On my nightstand are 3 very important things.
1.) Computer
2.) Cell Phone
3.) Computer Mouse

So... you can see where I'm going with this maybe?

I normally have some food or beverage on my nightstand as well. Last nights choice was a big cup of water. (Now I know you know where I'm going with this...) This morning as I'm trying to drift back to dream land, I hear a thud and then water...

Dripping.

My eyes flew open and I shot up out of bed to the sight of the yellow cup tipped over and my computer, phone, and mouse sitting in a tiny pool of water. Dexter was backed up against the wall in attack mode with his pupils dilated and his claws out.

Talk about flipping the fuck out on my part.

Dexter knew he was up shit creek without a paddle when I started chasing him with my shoe.
My hair is a mess.
I'm in some tiny little shorts that are only meant to be slept in and then immediately changed when I get out of bed to something more appropriate.
Stumbling over dog toys.
Chasing after my damned cat.
Finally, after succeeding in putting the "NO" all up in his face I came to the lovely realization that each and every one of my windows were open.
It was the beginning of a glorious morning.

I blame all of this, of course, on Kris. We don't let Dexter in the room with us when we're sleeping or in the morning because of this exact reason. He can NOT be around anything liquid or it gets tipped over.
Dogs water bowl - now all over the carpet.
Kris' coffee mug - now all over the carpet.
Kool-aid chillin on the bar- is now on the motherfucking carpet!

My favorite... 

When will the disgusting madness stop?!

"Never."

Luckily, all of those things happened in our old apartment. In our new one all we really drink is water, or we throw whatever we didn't drink in the sink because we don't want to be forced to get new carpet... again.

Anyways back to blaming Kris...

What should happen in the morning: Kris turns his alarm clock off, rolls over and looks at me with my immaculately straightened hair, glossy lips and perfectly mascara-ed eyes and greets me with a "Good morning darling. I had dream about our wedding. You were the most beautiful bride." I don't stir because I'm sleeping like a boss. He then get's dressed ever so quietly, takes the dogs outside to go potty and puts them back in their cages. He walks over to my side of the bed and kisses me on the cheek before he leaves... My eyes flutter open and I look at him and whisper "I love you have a wonderful day." He departs, closing the bedroom door behind him while making sure no vermin are lurking around.

What did happen this morning: "Every day I'm hustlin', Everyday I'm hustlin, Every day I'm hustlin', Everyday I'm hustlin, Every day I'm hustlin'." I lift my head up slowly and just glare at him with this crazy Paranormal Activity look on my face until he decides to grace the alarm clock with his presence. Finally, SLAM! The hand comes down on the alarm clock and I lay my head back down falling back to sleep to the thought of just stabbing him in the arm repeatedly. He sits up in bed and looks down at me. Drooling. Mouth agape. Snoring. Hair's a mess. Make-ups running and gross. He gets out of bed and my eyes pop open. The dogs start whining immediately. He opens and closes the closet and bathroom doors with the force of The Hulk. He turns on every light imaginable. Turns them off and makes impressive noise while doing so. Pecks me on the cheek and says "Bye. Love ya." I turn around and say "Love you too."  Leaves the bedroom door open for VERMIN TO LURK.

This is how this happens. This is how death to technology will happen... careless men and psycho cats who have a need to drop kick a glass of water. This will be the end of days I tell you.

Maybe I'm being dramatic.

Anyways, after that I couldn't sleep so I played Dance Central 2, made my lunch and walked the dogs...

Now my eyes feel like they're going to bleed and I fully plan on passing the fluff out when I get home. 

Read more

The Crew...

I must introduce you to my roommates.

1st there is Kris.

He's my fiancé. Witty (annoyingly so sometimes), kind of antisocial and a little on the crazy side. Not like teenager crazy, more like he might snap and start wearing a straightjacket for fun. Man's got a past with a side of whatthafuck for sure. My favorite thing he says is "Honey, if someone ever tries to fight me... first thing I'm gonna do is get naked. No one wants to fight a naked guy." I believe he really would too. I could see his shoes coming off while his opponent gets more and more confused...

26 going on 50 he keeps me laughing and entertained most days.

Other days I want to rip his face off and feed it to my cat.

Oh my cat. Dexter is 2nd. 

He's awesome. Nay, better than awesome. He's spastically fantastic. He will fuck you up one minute with his claws of death (no seriously is it supposed to sting that bad when a cat scratches you?) and the next stand on top of your head and say "Sookie, I have claimed you, you are mine." Total Bill Compton thing going for him. He glares and everything.

Zane. ZANE THE INSANE is 3rd.

This bitch right here. I swear when I got her at the pet store those money thirsty heathens said she was a full blooded Rat Terrier. Those mother's LIED. This dog looks and acts exactly like my old chihuahua.

You make the slightest move - she's barking.

She goes out to poop -she's barking. At what? I don't know.

Sometimes I feel like she's barking at me saying "Stop Staring At Meee!"

She has a dream -she's barking.

I accidentally drop something on the counter and it makes a loud noise.

She. Is. Freaking. The. Fuck. Out. Barking.

It's frustrating... I will not lie. But alas I love her too much to hurt her or leave her... this isn't some dude I just kind of have feelings for! This is my love we're talking about. I've seen rat terriers and they don't look like her. I feel I was lied to at the pet store because 1. She's way too small to be a rat terrier. 2. She's much cuter than the rat terriers I've seen on the internet. Maybe I'm biased. Maybe she's ugly. Maybe fuck you. I know that dog's adorable.

You know how some people say dogs and their masters tend to look alike in some aspect? Well Zane and I don't look like each other on the outside, but on the inside she is my soul sister. If I were a dog I would be her. She's all bitchy and cranky but then she wants to be bipolar and cuddle! Don't question her just cuddle! This is why I love her so much.

Luke. I just want to say: Fuck you Luke. You're a douche... and 4th. 

I should have known from the first day we got him he was going to be an assclown. For some reason Kris and I went to PetCo in separate cars and saw they were doing pet adoptions outside. Ever the sucker to look at cute puppies (you don't have a soul if you don't want to look at cute puppies) I went over and saw this adorable lanky little brown puppy trying to walk around. I picked him up, examined him, turned him side to side, decided in my head ZOMGTHISISTHECUTESTDOGEVARRR. About that time Kris walked up. I held him out to Kris with a plea of "Please, Honey look how CUTE he is..." fully expecting a "No." or an "Are you out of your mind! We already have a dog and a cat we definitely could not handle another puppy!" Instead I got this wide eyed look of love from Kris transferring to the little puppy in his arms and he said "Ok." To which I replied... "Huh?" Mind you, I was really expecting him to be the strong one and say no. I need to be said no to. It's a sick addiction. You say no to me I get cranky but in the long run I man up, put my big girl panties on and decide it was for the best. ... Didn't happen that time, so we got the little shit head. Kris drove Luke all the way to where he works and we we're supposed to stop there and transfer him to my car because of some reason or another. It was all very logical then. I checked out Kris' car and saw there were no accidents on Luke's behalf so without hesitation we stuck Luke in the front seat of my new car.

And he puked. What. The. Hell. For a vision, this is how it went.

Dog starts heaving.

Kris is in my passenger seat holding him while I walk to the drivers side.

Open driver door.

See dog heaving.

See Kris just holding dog. Staring at him. NOT MOVING dog. Just holding and  staring...

Freak out. Yell at Kris to pick up dog and put dog on grass.

Dog vomits..........

Dog keeps vomiting.

Still vomiting.

Dog feels better.

Wags tail and proceeds to LICK FACE.

 Fml.

Luke, if you ever learn to read which I fully believe your little evil mastermind can already do: You may have everyone else fooled but I know you're really a crazy bastard on the inside. I know you plot my death and when your next attack will be. I know it. *glares at dog lying on the floor* Grrr. If I had to pick one thing I did like about this dog (very short list)... it would be his tattoo that points to his nonexistent balls. I don't exactly know why it's there but it won't come off. It must have been a clue for the doctor to "Chop Here" when the time came ... I dig it.

Lastly! Gilligan. 

He's a beta-fish.We call him Gil for short. 

Pretty boring.

He wags his tail when I feed him though.

Now you've met the clan. They complete my two bedroom apartment.

Read more