Ok! I hate summer (sometimes) for the specific reason of roaches. You know how people say everything's bigger in Texas and fools just laugh and go, "Oh, haha that's funny."
No, fuck you! When it comes to vermin such as roaches and rats...shit can get scary big here.
Mutant alien baby giant big.
You want to see me flail my arms and just basically go fucking insane? Just plant a roach somewhere near me and guarantee I'm flipping my shit.
There's a ghost in the house.... Eh. Doesn't really bother me.
There's a robber in the house.... Hold on, let me go grab a machete. (That will always be my weapon of choice. Especially in a zombie apocalypse.)
There's a roach in the house.... WHATTHE?ISITONME?!??
OHMYFUCKINGLORDIMGONNATAKEASHITONTHESTOVE!!!
No, I'm not kidding. Some shit like that will actually come out of my mouth.
I'm so irrationally scared of these things, I will abandon everything to get away.
Good bye computer, dog, clothes, television, future child! I will miss you ... but you are hers now...
Because only the females can fly.... Or so I've been told. That might be bullshit. Blegggh ewww.
I will physically hurt myself and turn into a gumby girl just to inconveniently slide out of a roaches way and site. I turn into a wimp. I squeak and squeal and I curl up like I wish I was part of whatever piece of furniture I'm trying to climb inside.
Let me be one with you bookcase!
All of this was brought on because a HUMONGOUSGINORMOUS MUTANT ROACH was climbing on my bedroom wall but it was dark so I couldn't see her. Then I heard her fall.
THEN I heard her FLY.
Commence freak out mode immediately.
Really, you can only imagine the look of terror that was slapped on my face.
You just know the sound of roach wings flapping in the wind is enough to make you do a freak out jiggle in the middle of no where.
I've now made you aware there is possibly a roach right beside your being.
I switched on a light and used a pillow for a shield and my eyes were dilated like a cat on acid.
Then I saw her. Right on the dresser in front of my bed.
SONOFABITCH!
She was blocking my exit and she knew it.
I was lucky enough to capture this fantastic moment in a text message.
You know, even if you did pass judgement on me... I don't think I would care. I could be reasonably sane about this and say "Roaches carry disease and horrible things all over them. I'm just a germ freak is all." We all know that would be a lie though. The real reason I hate roaches is because I was conditioned to.
Thank you Mom.
My mom flipped out if there was a roach. She'd kill it, yes, but not
without properly doing a creeped out dance. Oh, AND SHE WILL NOT PICK
THEM UP. So it's just sitting there... choking on it's own roach fluid... and the massive amount of raid she just doused it in... squirming. *shiver shake*
This is where I learned these things. I just cannot do it. I
can't even kill them, I just run.
No way, no how, no sir!
I've already decided that once I have offspring I'm going to hold my freaking out until after they have gone to another room. If there is a roach flying around I'm going to run to the glass jar I keep my balls in and use them for that specific reason. Then I will kill the disGUSTING being that is said roach in front of my kid like... "Oh no big deal... it's just a bug." Then, when they get older... they can kill it because they won't be scared. That is my theory anyways.
Needless to say I slept on the couch last night because my room was a no-go zone.
This is just one of those unreasonable fears I have. That's not even the worst of them... but we'll get to those later.
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