Weak Stomachs Be Warned

It's story time because this shit's hilarious.

I received a peculiar text message from my mom the other day. It was wrapped in mystery.
It said...

Her: "Did your dog poop in the bathroom today?"

Very mysterious... I know.

Me: "Umm... no..."
Her: "Are you sure?"
Me: "Is there poop in the bathroom?"
Her: "No, but I'm washing the rugs because this is just awful."

Little background here people. My mom has the weakest stomach ever known to man kind. She vomits at the site of people picking their noses, boogers, vomit, the sound of someone vomiting, baby poo, dog poo, grown up poo, any of the Jackass movies ever made, smells that smell like poo or vomit... the list goes on but you get the point.

I laugh at her every time my dad and I bring up a gross subject. I can't help it.

OMG SIDE STORY TIME BECAUSE I CAN'T HELP MYSELF.

Once upon a time...

My mom's dog Zoey loved to eat her own poop when she was a puppy. Loved LOVED LOVED her pooh. It just tasted like skittles I guess. So my poor mother not being able to take the pooh mastication happening in and around Zoey's mouth went outside and started scream-gagging at little Zoey to resist the urge to intake what she just put out.
"STOP *gag* ZOEY! STOP! *gag*"
Of course the wee little bozo did not stop and my mom threw up in the back yard. I'm pretty sure the little bozo went after that too. Ew. The end.

I laughed. Sorry Mom.

Back to the original story. I arrive home from work to the bathroom door shut and my mom in the utility room doing laundry.

Her: "Go in there."
Me: "I'm going. *Goes into bathroom* Ohh... yeah. It smells like dog poop."
Her: "I don't see any though."
Me: "Hmm..."

I checked all around the toilet, all over the floors and just for the hell of it I checked the shower....
And wouldn't ya know...

There it was.

Me: Nonchalantly. "Oh... she pooped in the shower."
Her: Freaking out. "WHAT?!"
Me: "Hahahahahahahahahahahahahhaha, she pooped in the shower. I can't believe she pooped in the shower."
Her: "I'm going to be sick." Is what she would have said had she not run out of the bathroom.

I thought this was hilarious. Of course for sanitary purposes I bleached the shower and scrubbing bubbled the shit out of it quite literally speaking. Poor mom. I love her. LOVE YOU.

Your dog has to be either an evil mastermind hellbent on fucking your mornings up or just an all around inbred psycho. Mine is the latter. My reasoning is she hates the lawn mower more than she hates little children (and man does she hate children) and my dad was mowing the lawn and left her inside... to shit in the tub. I don't know. That bitch is crazy.

 And just because today....