Free Me From The T.V.

For a good year and a half I did not have television. I could read Huffington Post and get the gist of what was going down in society's brain from titles such as "Kardashian Spawn BORN! Let The Apocalypse Ensue", or "Hanna Montana Cancelled Due to Miley Cyrus' Whoredom"... whatever. I do not judge. Ever.

I will say I missed steadily aired television. Netflix pissed me off with the whole "HEY... I'm gonna raise my already too generous price to an even more reasonable price, but in return you get really eclectic movies and some foreign shit you have to have a specific taste for!"... Which I do not.

All tha bitches love DVD's

The price is something I do not give two shits about. The genre of movies they have... is like a critics wet dream. To me, this is not a good thing because I have a tendency to mostly never agree with critics about serious films. They're all "That was so inspiring and heartfelt. A drama to stand the tests of time. Kept me on the edge of my seat until finally I could take no more and had to go jack it in the bathroom due to so much awesomeness in the film." -Herp Derp From Movie Critics R'Us
 
Ohhh... was that too judgemental? Eh.

My reaction is more like "Tha fuck was that? Tha fuck was this? Why did she do that? Ugh. Turn that bullshit off. Let's watch Step Brothers."

You see what I mean?

I don't want subtitled, anorexic, semi naked chicks being fucking creepy and depressing on my computer screen. Give me funny. I want the funny. Netflix has shitty funnies and they never update anything! It's lame.



Ranting over... for now. Anyways... I missed television when I was living on my own and now that I have it, OHSWEETLORDINHEAVEN my addiction is back on like donkey kong. For the record, when I came back to live with my parents I sat in front of the television for 4 hours straight and didn't realize I wasn't blinking on a regular basis until my eye became twitchy and my vision began to cloud up.

So these are the shows I watched (aka avoided the world with) when I came back home.

Game of Thrones:

Oh the incest. I can't take the INCEST. It's too much for my stomach to handle. Give me the bloody gory fights and get me all excited to murder someone with a sword but please fortheloveofallthatisright, STOP THE INCESTUOUS-ness. It's disturbing. So many sexthings happening. Does not compute. You can call it immature I call it "taste". I don't like to watch T.V. bros and hos get it on. Awkward turtles filling up my bathtub like woah. Other than that.
I. Fucking. Love it.
The story, the white walkers, the killing, the DRAGONS. Up my damn alley. I cannot wait for the prick prince to DIE.
STABBY, STABBY DEATH!!!!
Yes I get into my series. It's magical.
And to all of you nay sayers that think the books are better and tralalalalalasuckmydick.
I agree with you. The book is probably much better, but I started watching the series first. I don't want to ruin it by reading the book because then it will just be a big fucking disappointment like every other movie/T.V. Show that was originally based on a book.
Ruins. My. Day.

American Horror Story:

Nah... I'm ok.

Ho-ly shit.
This takes Ghost to a whole new level. Ghost as in Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze. Violet actually did the dirty deeds with a ghost. And that ghost did the do with her on screen mom and got her PREGGO with a demon eggo. EEK. If that's not enough to freak you the FUCK out... then you have these things...
They're called issues.
Let me introduce them to you.

On the real though, this series ruined my nights for a while. I can watch it by myself, which is in fact how I enjoy watching most of the television series I decide to waste my precious time on... but I will not watch it if I know I'm going to be alone later. The later gets me. I have time to really ponder what the FUCK is going on and is that a dark figure lurking behind the door? Did a dead baby just crawl under my bed? Let the fear stricken paranoia begin. I just can't think about a dude in a dominatrix black leather suit murdering me when I'm by myself.
Nonononononononono.

United States of Tara:

Oh Yeah. This show. I wanna be on this show. Not in a literal sense. I'm a terrible actress... I'm not believable at all. I mean to say I want to be ON this show... just jump on it and gently caress it while it feeds me funny insanity for an hour.

4 Personalities? I feel like it's a story about my future.

I have different personalities.

One's British.

I just haven't seen a doctor for it yet.

I really do like Kate. Sheeee is my favorite little stuck up psychotic bitch. Marshall. Hey. Marshall. 'Member that time you did it with a girl... bet that was strange. Toni Collete,  you're so good. Really this show is just the tits.

Girls:

To which I say "What in the hell?" I watched this entire series in one night because of the sleeplessness and wow. I think New York girls may be a little different than Texas girls. A little. I don't remember the last time I tripped acid (oh yeah, never) and ran away from some guy who was trying to help me and then karate punching him in the nads. Fail.

The main character gave me a tension headache. She is so selfish and quirky... quirky isn't bad but when you're trying to be quirky. Trachea punch. It makes me itchy... This was the only interesting thing that was on at 3 in the morning. For cereal. No lies, I thought this was such a poorly portrayed view on single people living in a big city. Maybe I'm dead wrong. Maybe people lack common sense now. It was entertaining but in one of those -I really hope she gets ran over by a train so I'll keep watching- kind of ways.

So yeah... those are the shows that have kept me entertained but now I'm at a loss. American Horror Story is going into Season 2 in October but c'mon that's more than a month away! I'll never make it! I need more shows!

Feed me the shows or else I will be forced to continue reading the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy which is... .... strange. I can promise you this much, if some rich, handsome dude found me irresistible and then just throws it on me like "Glad we took those 3 weeks to get to know each other so well. Oh by the way I wanna jam my fist up your butt and then pretty much violate every orifice on your body."

SHUTTHEFUCKUP.

... I don't care how pretty you are, I am gone. Peace, love and hope you get help for your issues brah. I gotsta go! My inner goddess can suck an imaginary DICK. Me and my smart subconscious are not down. As I bite my lip and throw myself off the nearest building.

Obviously this authors repetitive way of writing rubs me the wrong way but don't let that stop you from reading this gem.