"You're having a good day?
Well... Dead puppies.
Starving kittens.
Deformed baby kituppies."
... I'm just gonna curl up and be depressed today.
I beg of them to stop pulling on my heartstrings. It hurts, I don't like it. I feel like I want to cry a little bit. This doesn't get me raging mad about animal abusers, it just makes me want to slap a girlish hand while I sob into my pillow at two in the morning saying, "Stop it."
Here's better marketing - Ryan Gosling and or Brandon Boyd - shirtless - saying he won't make another shirtless movie or another album if these animals keep getting abused and go on without a good home.
I. Would Get. PUMPED.
So many kituppies I would adopt.
You can't throw one of my future husband's into a mix like that without me getting all riled up!
Here's another idea. The Rock or as you now all know him, Dwayne Johnson. Yelling at you.
"ARE WE GONNA LET THIS HAPPEN TO THIS KITTEN?!" *holds adorable bengal cat*
"DO YOU WANT TO BE A BAD PERSON? DONATE YOUR MONEY FOR JUST ONE ANIMAL YOU POONTANG PIE! WHAT'S YOU'RE NAME?!"
"Oh well my name is-"
"IT DOESN'T MATTER! WHAT MATTERS IS THE ANIMALS!"
I wouldn't even try to resist that.
In the commercials now, all the animals are just staring at me and all I wanna do is run to my T.V. screen and hug it. Again, it doesn't make me want to take action. It makes me want to be immensely saddened. I want to be so pumped up I actually go out and make a citizens arrest on an animal abuser. I don't want puppies or kittens or turtles or any animal for that matter to be abused. I just want to love them all, but all your asking for is my monies... give me some volunteer number or something. I know you need volunteers! Put that in your commercial!
"Some people don't have the monies... but you can volunteer here and here and here. BOOM."
Tangent is about to happen so I'm gonna reel it back in.
So I'm just saying ASPCA, get some better material because I fully support you and all you stand for. I swear though, before you aired your last commercial you made the narrator sit and watch videos of animals getting hit by cars and dropped in acid. She sounded so sad. Verge of tears, sad. It made me sad.
If you're gonna have an old lady narrate your commercials try Betty White. I would want to listen to her stern sense of humor telling me to stop being a vagina and go help an animal.
And Sara McLaughlin... just stop with her already. That song intro now lets me know that I need to immediately change the channel to avoid a bad day. I'm just saying... from an outsiders point of view... your shit makes me sad. I can't be sad when I take action... I gotta be raging mad.
There, I have said my peace now. Good day.
I SAID GOOD DAY!
And if you feel like being a good person and have extra monies to donate, go forth and bestow some upon this place for a good cause. ASPCA
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