I Really Don't Get It.

Sometimes... I have these homicidal/cruel/hilarious thoughts and I just don't want to keep them to myself.

Anyways Dear Reader, (cause that's your name mk?)

What I'm getting at is, I'm kind of mean. I've been trying to squish this little bitch of a person I am down for quite some time and I really haven't been succeeding. It gets worse when people ask me questions that have a very obvious answer. I tend to answer in the bitchiest tone. But, fuck you, because I could be a really big bitch and not answer at all. 

The questions I get asked are far too ridiculous for me to even find the time to mull over. I just glare at the idiot who decided to temporarily lose his or her common sense and answer the question, then walk away. It works for me. On the other hand, now that I'm really thinking about it, I find people soliciting advice from me. I don't know why. When someone asks me a serious questions about a certain subject in their life that they actually need help with, my first thought is, 

Why the fuck are you asking me? Do you not see how shitty of a person I can be? 

Obviously... you are not paying attention. 

They ask me questions about... I don't know... tomatoes and how many people they should pants in order to get a Klondike Bar, or what they should do when life gives them lemons, and it really does baffle me that someone is asking for my advice... on any subject. 

That's just silly. I will not give you good advice. 

Ever. 

I will give you painfully honest opinions on the subject and tell you what I would do about it.

You should never put a tomato in that place, you can pants three hundred and seventy two citizens in the greater Houston area for a Klondike Bar, and if life gives you lemons, make something better than lemonade, you lazy fucker. I mean... that's what I would do.

I'll just staple this to my forehead

On top of being blunt, I'm also kind of rude about my advice. I was watching a movie about an advice columnist and they're all so soft spoken and sweet with their replies... I am not like that. I am comparing myself to an actor in a movie, but I feel like that was a good enough portrayal for me to go off of. 

You know you're screwed when I start off by saying "To be honest..." or, "Cutting through the bullshit..." my all time favorite, "Are you fucking serious? Dude..." 

I just don't feel the need to quell my angst. 

Another concern, actually, my number one concern is that I have older humans telling me I'm "mature for my age." 

... WHAT?

HOW? 

The simple fact that you went from point A. then squared the hypotenuse to overlap the quantum cortex of my brain to even begin to utter those words... well, that severely worries me to 9th power. 

Figure that one out nerds.

I find this shit to be funny... I think that speaks volumes of my maturity level.

I don't feel mature at all. Most of the time my feelings are of drowning in a pool full of unanswered questions like "How the fuck am I going to get this done?" "When the hell did that shit happen?" "Oh GOOOODDDD, when is this particular thing going to be over with?" It's the most anxious feeling in the world and I happen to hate it. So I've been ignoring all of those bad anxious, feelings and the tumor in my neck is getting bigger. 

So... I'm gonna go drink something alcoholic now. 

Hope I've brightened your day...

I don't know why I say this in a Mike Meyers voice... but join me!