Let me just get this out in the open. I wish I was a robot so I didn't have to worry about getting raped or murdered when dealing with really creepy people. I could easily walk up to some asshole with a Donald Trump combover and kick them in their gonads.
Let me explain how this thought erupted from my brain.
A few nights ago... I was driving home from work, jammin to that catchy Bruno Mars song that's on every 5 minutes. I get out of my car and tralala to my doorstep when I hear footsteps crunching on the leaves behind me in a hurried manner. Panic takes over and I'm now convinced that someone is trying to kill my face off. I quickly punch the code to my door and simultaneously slam and lock it behind me. I do a shimmy shake and realize that I have to pee, so I make my way to my bathroom and the motherfucking door bell rings. I stealthily hunch-walk to the front door as I quietly hyperventilate and look through the peep hole.
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| I would literally shit myself. |
Peeeeeeeping commences and the dude man on the other side waves and says, "Hello!"
Note to the readers: don't ever do this because it is really fucking weird. I felt like he could see me looking at him.
So home bro looks like my next door neighbor-ish. I don't really talk to my neighbor all that often so a full on face stalk has never happened between us. I open my door THINKING it's my neighbor and then quickly realize...
It's.
NOT.
FUCK!!!
So I say, "Hello" while keeping my hand gripped on the screen door thats keeping him from rapekilling me. This really strange looking manboy with combed bangs says, "Hi, I'm really outgoing and I have a great personality. This church is going to give me $5,000 to have to do whatever I want with so I'm gonna go to Germany and get some coffee. Hur hur hur." That hur hur hur was his laugh, and let me tell YOU, that was the creepiest Buffalo Bill sounding motherfucking laugh I've ever heard and it will probably haunt my dreams every 7 years. Seriously, fuck that guys laugh.
It was terrifying.
He continues to talk and I am just staring at him thinking what my quickest escape will be and I see him stop talking... Which means I've failed to listen and he's waiting for me to answer his question or laugh at his joke. Well, I say NO to strangers a'knockin' on my door when it's pitch black outside, so I enquire, "...So what do you want?" Fucknugget switches his rude flip and he replies, "I'm trying to tell you what I want. Jeeze, didn't mean to offend you sweetheart."
1. No one calls me sweetheart or sweetie. I hate those nicknames. I want to immediately stab you in the liver after you call me sweetheart or sweetie.
2. FUCK YOU! Ugh.
So I say, "You didn't offend me but you have to understand where I'm coming from. It's late, I don't know you and you still haven't told me the point of your unsolicited visit."
"We'll I'm sorry, I wasn't aware this was a 3rd world country sweetie."
He immediately got a face full of door and an eye roll to which he replied, "Ok God bless. You stupid BITCH."
So I walked outside grabbed him by his too small blue button up shirt and chopped his dick off with my machete arm. <--- IF I WAS A ROBOT ... that would have happened.
Alas, I'm not. So I called my sister and vented my frustration about fucking assholes with "great personalities" who are trying to get money from church.
So let this be a lesson to me. Never answer the door again... OR! Build a robot Taylor to do my ass kicking for me.
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| I'm not sure what this is... but I want to BE it. |
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