I Want To Rant

Hey. Person.

Hi.

Do you know who I want to punch in the face with a cast iron dick sculpture?

People who talk at the movies.

Let me explain...

It started out as a wonderful evening of me being able to finally put my contacts in without feeling like tiny baby aliens were facesucking my eyeball. It's been an ongoing thing that ruins my life on the daily when I try to wear contacts. I somehow end up with a short version of non-infectious pink eye. Fun stuff.

Anyways, I decided on my outfit and with that decision came a pair of 5 inch heels. Woah. Yeah. Me in heels. Don't worry, I still hate them horribly. Especially after tonight.

So, my friends Lilly and Ted decide that we're going to go to dinner and a movie in The Woodlands. We are seated outside in the fucking blazing 8:00 heat and are also joined by Lilly's boyfriend and our mutual friend, Marshall. We eat our dinner speedily because, holy fuck our lives, it's hotter than Satan's butthole outside.

My thoughts were, Ok... either we're all off to go home after this, or we're going to see a movie. Nay, Lilly want's to go get coffee at Barnes and Noble. It's normally about a 3 minute walk from where we were eating. It turned into a 7 minute walk because "Omg guys, this isn't the way to the movies." Yeah, that's me... whining. I'm in heels, my feet hurt and I'm hobbling at this point. I'm out of shape and my little legs are screaming at me to put more pressure on the other one. Literally screaming "I'm gonna cramp up! Oh fuck, I'm gonna cramp up! ABORT." Cramp they did.

Lilly gets her coffee and a book and we all decide it is much safer in there than in the 9:30 sauna that is taking place outside. Finally after a few short conversations inside the book store, we decide to brave Mother Nature once again. I'm still hobbling, and we're walking a good 8 minutes to Hubble and Hudson to get gelato. WHY? BECAUSE LILLY WANTS GELATO. Damn it Lilly.

On our way to H&H, the group decides to stop off at their cars in the parking garage and drop off their left overs. Ted and I decide that we're not waiting for Lilly and Marshall, we're just going to go to the cold air. As we're walking I hit a downward slope. Slow motion explanation: I'm carefully trying to keep from screaming about how I feel my feet might need to be chopped off from loss of circulation, when suddenly, I hit a bump. My legs buckle, my leftovers fall, and there's a bush that is being of no assistance. Seriously bush, way to help. I'm pretty sure my face was the picture of, "God Damn It." I take a knee like any good athlete, then I take a hand and almost a face to the floor. Short story, I ate shit. In heels. Not. Fucking. Cute.

Ted's just like, "Oh God, are you ok?"

"Yes. Except my ego hurts so much now from embarrassment I don't really feel my feet anymore."

"Well, that's good."

Good man.

We get to H&H, all the while, Ted keeps looking back, making sure I'm not on the ground. We get our Gelato and finally make our way to be seated... THANK JESUS.

A chair.

That's all I want.

I don't want to be graceful or fake being graceful, I miss my converse and happiness. I can remember it, but I can't feel it and at that point during the night I thought I never might feel it's warm but not scalding hot touch again. Lilly and Marshall show up and we decide to see World War Z. Cool. I'm down.

We leave H&H and I almost eat it again so Marshall bluntly says, "Ted, hold her." Which gave a laugh to everyone. Trust me, I'm embarrassed for all of five minutes, but then I can laugh at myself because, dudes, shit happens. I'm not crying over a trip. I'm crying because I was probably going to need stitches for the knee I fell on.

Regardless of my need for an E.R. we make our way to the movies and finally find a seat in the crowded theater. Here is where my frustration begins...

Lilly and Marshall are talking. That's cool, be coupley and adorable, but so help me, if you talk during the movie, I will have homicidal thoughts involving you and me and a blanket of scorpions.

The movie begins,  I'm 5 minutes in and the action has already started and grabbed my attention. "Hehehehe, oh my god no that wouldn't even happen." I sideways glance around to see who I need to shank and it's Lilly talking to Marshall. *twitch*

I let it go because I get distracted by another part of the movie. Ok, now we're getting to the crazy part. "Ok, did he really just die like that? Oh my god. Seriously, that's not how it happened in the book." ...

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You can ask anyone, if you talk during a movie, I will quietly tell you to shut your fucking mouth. I didn't pay 10 bucks to hear you narrate shit, or hear your conversation about how Johnny and Bitchfart aren't together anymore. Shut... Shut... Shut your fucking mouth. I will hurt you. 

Merely because Lilly is a friend, I gave her a few shots to shut her fucking mouth before I said something. 

Finally it gets kind of quiet again, but then the happiness is interrupted by chatter on another fucking level. Lilly and Marshall are laughing, and giggling, and telling each other the math answers they got for AP algebra in 10th grade. I don't fucking know but I obnoxiously tell them to CHT. CHT. More like, CHTCHT. Duck hand and everything in her face. CHT MOTHERFUCKING CHT.

She better be happy I wasn't like,

                 

 Because, guys, it was fucking close.

Lilly kinda gets the hint, but still doesn't really get the hint because they continue to talk through the entire movie and I just sat there... quietly....

Plotting their deaths. 

But let me ask you, if you're going to go to the movies, why talk? Why? Why? Why for the love of God, why? 

With scary movies, I talk, but it's out of pure nervous fear. Ex: Dumb bitch is walking into the dark scary room and the power is out. She doesn't have a weapon except for her giant boobs, and right before her television and phone line went dead the news reporter was saying there was a mass murderer on her block.

And I'm like, "Nope."

I shake my head a lot, I cover my eyes, and I'm crouched in my chair like I belong in the circus as the girl who can fit her body into very tiny places. But during any other type of movie, my mouth is shut. I try to have respect for fellow movie goers who spent their money to see a movie. So, if I hear you talking in a movie theater, I will be that rude bitch that turns around and just stares at you with this face.

Seriously, pipe the fuck down you annoying bitchfarts. Ok. My rant is done, thanks for reading. I hope you laughed at me falling, because I did.