My Running Experience

Today I decided to better my life and eat healthy and go running. My tiny cousin has been a pain in my ass from the minute we were introduced and just like anything that is 6 years younger than you and related... well you love them, but also sometimes want to hurt them for being so obnoxious.

Call it sweet revenge on my sisters part because she is also 6 years older than I am. Get a good laugh sis.

So my cousin, who is as close to a baby sister as anyone could be to me, (who is the known baby in the family) is a workout freak. She should be a trainer because she's so motivating, yet kind of a 17 year old hardass. I texted her and asked, merely asked, if she had any tips for working out and eating better.

Holy.

Shit.

Girl came at me like a ninja. I got a little discouraged because, no way did she just say her "Cheat MEAL" was a 200 calorie Starbucks coffee. Hah. I breathe 200 calories smelling my food before I actually taste it, guys.

"This girl is crazy" was my only sensible thought.

Well ... to my displeasure, I noticed a slight weight gain, which I wasn't really sweating, the real horror came when I realized I was eating junk day after day and my energy was completely depleted. I've been so tired. Don't get me started on my stress level which already takes a toll on my sleepy time. Needless to say, you are what you eat and I have been eating disgusting shit for about two weeks straight.

The only way I noticed how horrible my eating and drinking habits had gotten was because of my cousin. She would text me around 11, "What'd you have for breakfast?" "Redbull."
"Oh my god, that's horrible! Ugh, what are you going to have for lunch?"
"Uhh... my boss got Whataburger for me."
"OMG STOP. How much water have you been drinking?"
"Did I say Whataburger, I meant WATERburger. LOLZ. "
"-.-"
"Merp. Not funny? Well not a lot of water."

No water, no veggies or fruits, and living on energy drinks. Welcome to my life. Can't forget the weekend alcohol! So I decided to make a change. I got some healthy shit to nomz on, but eating it won't be the problem. For me... it's always been working out. I hate working out. Let me tell you a little story... of my work out tonight... It's not glamorous and I was not in a happy mood after I was finished. I did not feel delightful or like a badass. ...And here is why:

I debated with myself for an hour and a half on whether or not I was going to work out tonight. I promised myself I would, but I'm already laying down. But your pant's aren't off yet. But I'm so comfortable! You have no boyfriend and you look like hell. Youuuuu are a bitch and I'm going. 

After my internal war, I lazily slung my feet off the bed and proceeded to pants off dance off, and grab my sisters favorite pair of running shorts that she still doesn't know I have. In pure Taylor style, I found one running shoe in the closet and the other one under my bed. My dog immediately knew that we were going outside. OH MY GOD WE'RE GOING OUTSIDE - I can hear her screaming with delight in dog fashion.

IT'S BEEN 8 FUCKING YEARS SINCE WE'VE BEEN OUTSIDE AND I'M SO EXCITED TO DO THIS RIGHT NOW. OH MY GOD. LET ME OUT. LET ME OUT OF HERE. I DON'T WANT THE LEASH JUST LET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HEREEEEEEEE. 

After wrestling to get the leash on my dog, I opened the door and basically got my arm pulled out of socket when she saw the neighbors cat just chillin all cat like on the stairs.

OHHHH MYGOD I WANT TO KILL THE FLUFFY. LETMEKILLIT!!!

Fuck the fuck out of this. My dog was literally dragging me around like a rag doll. She was bouncing around like a damn unicorn and all I could manage was a wide eyed crazy stare while muttering, "You're such a dick."

After I let her pee, we walked to the edge of the apartment complex where it hits the main road. Mia was jumping around like Tigger just possessed her, and I was just trying to walk a straight line and not get tripped. We made it past oncoming traffic and walked along the side of the road, the grassy area where you're allowed to walk.

There's something about my dog... She will chase anything. Whether it's a car, her tail, something in her imagination... She will run after it like it's offering her a giant bag of cold cut turkey. She loves turkey. Dog logic chose to chase the cars tonight.

Dog logic is stupid.

After she nearly pulled me into the street to get ran over 3 times, I pulled her leash tighter and had her walk right beside me. I suddenly felt a droplet of water fall from the sky. Da fuq? There are no clouds right now. The hand proceeded to reach for my head.

OH GOD IT'S BIRD SHIT.

Thank you bad luck. I thought you had forgotten about me, but I see now you were clearly just trying to make a grand entrance.

I continued to high pitch whine for the next 2 minutes while viciously rubbing the SHIT out of my hair with my shirt pulled halfway over my head exposing myself to God and everyone. Seriously though, what was I supposed to do?

After I felt like I'd sufficiently rubbed most of the bird shit out I decided, I'm going to take a shower anyways, I'll just keep going. I trekked on into the dark abyss of the forest laden night. Yeah. Seriously. It was dark and there were trees everywhere. I live in the WOODLANDS people. Wood-lands. Wood- MosquitosBirdshit-Lands.

I finally got a good jogging pace when all of the sudden Polly Pocket decided to come out of FUCKING NOWHERE like a goddamn wood nymph and scare the shit out of me and my dog. She didn't even noticed I squeaked, "Take the dog, Satan!" when she walked by jabbering on her cell phone! It immediately made me think she was a serial killer because, bitch don't lie, no one gets service out here. It's IMPOSSIBLE. My jog turned into a full of sprint after that because all I could think was, "I'm pretty sure I saw a butchers knife in her hand." I was done. I didn't want to sweat or work out or be dragged anymore. I started the walk home and all of the sudden I feel something crawling on my chest. MOTHERFUCK OHMYGOD WHAT IS IT? I swiftly (and by swiftly I mean as ungracefully as you could possibly imagine, think of when a fly buzzes past your ear and you flip the fuck out. That's what I did.) brush my chest with my hand. Gobs of sweat. I'm sweating. That is sweat dripping down my chest and it feels like things are crawling on me. Hahahahahaha. No. No I'm done.

Needless to say, I shan't be running anymore. I'll just see how the healthy eating goes for now. And that is that. Have a wonderful night people.... beware of the Polly Pocket Murderer.

I just creeped myself out. Fuck.