For a solid two weeks I thought I was 100% pregnant. Nausea, the sorest of boobs, headaches that made me halfway blind and the overall feeling that something was off. Fuck me, right?
It kind of made me experience a wide range of fucked up emotions/questions that were easily being answered in my head. I didn't think the answers to my selfstions (self questions, it's a new word, bask in it's glory) would be so easy or quick but it just kinda happened.
The first one being, am I ready to be a mom?" HELL NO I'M NOT. I honestly don't think a lot of people are ready for parenthood when it actually happens. Would I take the responsibility with a positive attitude? FUCK YEAH I WOULD. I've never been in a situation before this point in my life where I have had to come to that realization. When I was engaged I prayed that no accident's would happen. I did NOT want to have a child with the person I was with. We were catholic careful, because I think on some strange level we knew it wasn't going to work out. If I'm having a child with someone I want it to be real. Honest. Love. Happiness.
I have respect for all different kinds of families and I understand that people don't always get picture perfect family life with 2 parents together forever, but that's just not something I've never pictured my children without. Me actually getting that will be another story, but who knows? Life throws curve balls all the time.
So I took a test 3 weeks before my period was due. - Negatory. Hallelujah Amen! Whew. Ok. That's fine. Then the internets happened. I did research online about how accurate this really was and I found out that your HCG levels need to be about a 5 in order for you to be considered pregnant and you probably shouldn't test until after your missed period. I know some of you are like... Yeah. Duh. Fucking moron. But back the fuck up because I'm new at this shit!!!
Sorry... I got a little aggressive... anyways...
I waited and waited and still felt horrible. 1 week passed. Ok! Gonna take another test. Oh, you didn't know I'm tragically impatient? I am. No way was I waiting 2 more weeks to test. I talked to my boyfriend about it and we agreed that if anything were to come up positive it would be alright. No crazy breakdowns of "Oh sweet Jesus what am I going to do?!?" As crazy as it sounds, we're extremely secure in our relationship. It's hard to explain unless it's happened to you I suppose, but this kind of weird strange love hit me like The Hulk. We have a pretty large gap in age between us so he's not opposed to the idea of having children right now. I, on the other hand would definitely need some coaxing to calm the fuck down. Sure, it'll be alright after I freak the fuck out and worry about childbirth ten thousand times.
I took the test and this time when it was negative, I had a weird twinge of something strange. I don't really like feelings of any kind. Truly I border on humorous and angry most of the time but this was weird. It wasn't sadness, maybe disappointment? Maybe... At the time I didn't know. I was confused by it, but I wasn't pregnant. So there. It was done.
Your mind can do some crazy shit. Mine trolled me in the cruelest of ways. The next few days I kept having dreams about babies. I obviously had baby on the brain. I was nervous about it and STILL unsure of if I was or not.
I decided to just go to the doctor. I got my blood drawn and had an HCG of 2. Not pregnant. Ok, now I was for sure I wasn't pregnant. Blood test's don't lie right? Not gonna fib, that was a feeling of disappointment. I felt like I had accepted the fact that I was pregnant. Maybe I mentally prepared for a positive, as if this were a history test and I knew for sure I had made a good grade and then found out I failed. I don't know, nothing like that but something like that? The dream baby just fucked me up on a different level. I was happy in my dream, I felt like it was real... which don't even lie, shit can be a little heartbreaking when you wake up from an amazing dream.
Let me just say, fuck the internets guys. I started doing research because I didn't really get a full explanation of what a 2 meant. I have HCG in my system but not enough to be preggo. So I googled "HCG of 2". This should be a post in itself about the worst idea I've ever had in my life. I should have just left it alone. It took me for a ride into babiez land.
You could be pregnant especially if you haven't missed your period.
Nothing shows up until the week before your missed period.
You're not pregnant at all.
And then the STORIES of women saying they tested negative for everything and 2 months later they do an ultrasound on a suspicion and BOOM ya 3 months pregnant.
I'm not saying any of this is even possible for me. Maybe I can't have kids. I have no idea, I haven't tried and due to this crazy weird feeling of sadness I've had at the realization that I'm more than 100% not right now, I don't think I want to try for a while. If this is what women go through even on a small level trying to have kids and then not being able to... 1. Let me say, come here, I will hug you so hard, and I know it won't help but damn I'm here if you want to laugh at something completely unrelated and inappropriate and maybe talk about it, and 2. I don't really know if I'd be strong enough for the full dismemberment of hope that someone has to go through when trying to conceive a mini-me. Basically, I am saying these past few weeks have been tiring y'all. And if I don't get my period soon I'm going to have a mental breakdown and just freak out on everyone. I'm feeling the cramps of the red devil. I'm thinking she'll be here tomorrow. Maybe Sunday.
If not, cheers to another doctor's appointment on Monday.
Regardless of my shit, y'all better have a fucking fantastic weekend.
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