Pretend

I use this blog in a lot of ways...

Today I'm using it to look like I'm intently working on something that is useful for my job. Don't get me wrong... I bust my ass at work, but sometimes I need a 15 minute break to chill and write or type. I've done it on my lunch break and my bosses are pretty lenient, but even if they did ask what I was doing I would just blank stare them to an uncomfortable presence only nerds who asked the prom queen for a dance know, and say, "typing."

basically.

Hail to the nerds. I was queen... of the loners in high school.

So, I look like shit today. And I feel annoyed to no end.

My hair is a greaseball of love that only my boyfriend accepts me with. I don't think my own mother would hug me right now. I also think there is an ant on my face. I KNOW their (<- I caught this typo a day later and almost revoked my internet privileges... almost) there*** is a zit on my face...

Fun fact: Sugar ants DO bite. THEY FUCKING BITE. I have them all over my desk at work. It's an infestation. If I walk away for more than 7 minutes and leave my innocent redbull on the counter, I come back to it being feeler fucked by a bunch of tiny sugar ants. So I squish their tiny baby ant bodies and relish in what sounds like screaming but is probably just me farting with joy and not realizing I'm making that squeeeeee noise.

Just kidding.

Kind of.

Point of this post? I'm in a rut dudes. I just keep hitting a dead end with everything I seem to do and the worst part is, I have no one to blame but myself. I cause my own problems. Well, past me created my problems for present me. And present me is like, GOD! You were so dumb.

I would love more than anything to get my shit together and be on top of the world, but I can't stop falling down after trying to climb out of this hole. I could give you every analogy you ever dreamed of for my situation... Sinking ship, drowning in a sea of ... I don't know, debt, anger, issues beyond psychological help. Dancing in a burning room (thanks john mayer). Pretty down right? Well yeah, I've never been one of those uplifting people for myself. If you have a problem I could talk you off the edge. I could make it seem like it's nothing that can't be handled with a well organized plan! I can't seem to do the same for me. My personality tends to go from days of extreme elation, to horrid depression and then 96% of the time I'm just "whatever" about life and pass gas uncontrollably.

I think I'm going to join the circus? I'm done with this adult life. I don't want to be responsible for monies and jobs and whatnots. Can I revert to the childlike laughter that would make other adults glare in confusion?
Complain complain complain.

So how do I fix it? How do I fix my debt, my anger, and my weird personality disorder that claims my emotions? If someone finds the answer, lemme know.

I'll be here.

Working.

Kind of.