1st there is Kris.
He's my fiancé. Witty (annoyingly so sometimes), kind of antisocial and a little on the crazy side. Not like teenager crazy, more like he might snap and start wearing a straightjacket for fun. Man's got a past with a side of whatthafuck for sure. My favorite thing he says is "Honey, if someone ever tries to fight me... first thing I'm gonna do is get naked. No one wants to fight a naked guy." I believe he really would too. I could see his shoes coming off while his opponent gets more and more confused...
26 going on 50 he keeps me laughing and entertained most days.
Other days I want to rip his face off and feed it to my cat.
Oh my cat. Dexter is 2nd.
He's awesome. Nay, better than awesome. He's spastically fantastic. He will fuck you up one minute with his claws of death (no seriously is it supposed to sting that bad when a cat scratches you?) and the next stand on top of your head and say "Sookie, I have claimed you, you are mine." Total Bill Compton thing going for him. He glares and everything.
Zane. ZANE THE INSANE is 3rd.
This bitch right here. I swear when I got her at the pet store those money thirsty heathens said she was a full blooded Rat Terrier. Those mother's LIED. This dog looks and acts exactly like my old chihuahua.
You make the slightest move - she's barking.
She goes out to poop -she's barking. At what? I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like she's barking at me saying "Stop Staring At Meee!"
She has a dream -she's barking.
I accidentally drop something on the counter and it makes a loud noise.
She. Is. Freaking. The. Fuck. Out. Barking.
It's frustrating... I will not lie. But alas I love her too much to hurt her or leave her... this isn't some dude I just kind of have feelings for! This is my love we're talking about. I've seen rat terriers and they don't look like her. I feel I was lied to at the pet store because 1. She's way too small to be a rat terrier. 2. She's much cuter than the rat terriers I've seen on the internet. Maybe I'm biased. Maybe she's ugly. Maybe fuck you. I know that dog's adorable.
You know how some people say dogs and their masters tend to look alike in some aspect? Well Zane and I don't look like each other on the outside, but on the inside she is my soul sister. If I were a dog I would be her. She's all bitchy and cranky but then she wants to be bipolar and cuddle! Don't question her just cuddle! This is why I love her so much.
Luke. I just want to say: Fuck you Luke. You're a douche... and 4th.
I should have known from the first day we got him he was going to be an assclown. For some reason Kris and I went to PetCo in separate cars and saw they were doing pet adoptions outside. Ever the sucker to look at cute puppies (you don't have a soul if you don't want to look at cute puppies) I went over and saw this adorable lanky little brown puppy trying to walk around. I picked him up, examined him, turned him side to side, decided in my head ZOMGTHISISTHECUTESTDOGEVARRR. About that time Kris walked up. I held him out to Kris with a plea of "Please, Honey look how CUTE he is..." fully expecting a "No." or an "Are you out of your mind! We already have a dog and a cat we definitely could not handle another puppy!" Instead I got this wide eyed look of love from Kris transferring to the little puppy in his arms and he said "Ok." To which I replied... "Huh?" Mind you, I was really expecting him to be the strong one and say no. I need to be said no to. It's a sick addiction. You say no to me I get cranky but in the long run I man up, put my big girl panties on and decide it was for the best. ... Didn't happen that time, so we got the little shit head. Kris drove Luke all the way to where he works and we we're supposed to stop there and transfer him to my car because of some reason or another. It was all very logical then. I checked out Kris' car and saw there were no accidents on Luke's behalf so without hesitation we stuck Luke in the front seat of my new car.
And he puked. What. The. Hell. For a vision, this is how it went.
Dog starts heaving.
Kris is in my passenger seat holding him while I walk to the drivers side.
Open driver door.
See dog heaving.
See Kris just holding dog. Staring at him. NOT MOVING dog. Just holding and staring...
Freak out. Yell at Kris to pick up dog and put dog on grass.
Dog vomits..........
Dog keeps vomiting.
Still vomiting.
Dog feels better.
Wags tail and proceeds to LICK FACE.
Fml.
Luke, if you ever learn to read which I fully believe your little evil mastermind can already do: You may have everyone else fooled but I know you're really a crazy bastard on the inside. I know you plot my death and when your next attack will be. I know it. *glares at dog lying on the floor* Grrr. If I had to pick one thing I did like about this dog (very short list)... it would be his tattoo that points to his nonexistent balls. I don't exactly know why it's there but it won't come off. It must have been a clue for the doctor to "Chop Here" when the time came ... I dig it.
Lastly! Gilligan.
He's a beta-fish.We call him Gil for short.
Pretty boring.
He wags his tail when I feed him though.
Now you've met the clan. They complete my two bedroom apartment.
1 comments:
"Maybe she's ugly. Maybe fuck you" quite possibly my favorite quote now
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